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whitefingers 
10:30am, November 12, 2009
And thank you GOD! Free of bulimia behaviors, and alcohol, and thank you GOD. I haven't gained weight. I'm not on any prescriptions. I do not have chronic pain. I can run. I can walk up and down the steps as many times a day as I want. I'm so grateful to God for my health. And for my family's support. And for my mother, please God, help me to convey to my mother... what's in my heart... And thank God for this big dog, who rushes to comfort me when he hears me crying... puts his big head on my lap and stares up into my face with his brown eyes... and those eyebrows, so funny, up, down, worried, scrunched... so expressive... what a good dog he's been.... And for the new puppy, for her jokes and her antics, and her funny little face... and for my kids, please God bless my kids, help me to guide them through this tough time... especially my oldest daughters, this time is so hard, so pivitol, help me to be reasonable, calm, thoughtful, help me to quit assuming the worst, to quit projecting from one to the other, to separate, to think long and hard before I speak... God, help me to reach my daughter... Or anyone to reach my daughter, help her to open up so that she may BE REACHED... and guide my tongue, so that I speak calmly and with reason and intent, intent that comes from the love in my heart, God I have cried so many tears for that girl, for the little girl I've lost... I want her back, I want my daughter, I want another chance, I want her to get well, and I want her to see me as I am... I've changed... I wasn't a terrible mother... but I wasn't fully THERE. I was compromised, as a person and a mother, I was compromised... I didn't have a chance...
I'm here now. I'm present. This is me. This is me, working on myself. It can't happen in one day, it takes time. God, help me to be patient with myself, and to forgive.
God, I tend to shut my door. Passive-aggressive. I'll cut a person off, and they BETTER come and try to get me back... Please God, I know this is not the way. I need to work on keeping communication going, being truthful, forgiving, hoping, trusting...
God, watch over my daughter, as she struggles. Please God, where is that little girl, that beautiful little soul... help me find her..
Comments
You have been given that second chance. It is never too late to make up for the past by creating a new future. It just takes time. The greatest gift that child will ever receive is what you've already given her and that is your sobriety. With our children, it's never too late. They will need us for the rest of our lives. You are the best mother you have ever been, right here and right now. No matter what else goes on throughout your day, if you go to bed sober you will have gotten an A for the day in God's eyes. I really feel and relate to what you write. My kids were 8 (daughter) and 12(son)when I sobered up. I didn't do this sober thing perfect but my kids still turned out to be wonderful human beings (25&29). please don't forget, God works in their lives too. Maybe that's why He sobered their mom up? Have a wonderful day and now and then, think of yourself with kindness. You seem to me to be a wonderful person. Dianna
glad2bee