whitefingers's Journal

Approaching 6 months sober!!!

I actually feel pretty good. But I think I had a drinking dream last night. I can't remember, but I think I drank about 3 or 4 oz of some sort of alcoholic drink... and I remember feeling sooooo disappointed in myself... and then I felt the tiniest bit of a buzz....and I was so upset to have blown it. I never want to feel that again.

I'm doing so much better the last month or so, the summertime, and missing the "party" and the "celebration"  hasn't been getting to me as much, but then again, I've been so busy getting ready for my daughter's grad party (at our house), I just start to wonder if it's just the keeping busy thing, I'm so  busy I don't have time to miss the drinking...

I did take the kids to one of our vacation spots last week... memories... fuzzy fuzzy memories... We were on a beach, all around us people drinking, camping, partying, campfires... I thought it would be hard on me, but it wasn't... I enjoyed my kids so much, and the water and sand and at  night the waves, and the sounds... Mostly I enjoyed just being present. Being fully there. Having no regrets. Talking, really talking with my daughter. Being a good parent. Being a good friend. We talked and laughed and were silly together.  I wasn't missing a thing. I woke in the morning, and walked on the beach alone... and just thanked God for my sobriety, for my kids, and for a chance to do things right.

I"m having a HUGE party at my house tomorrow. I'm not freaking. I am relaxed. Whatever gets done, gets done. Whatever doesn't... doesn't. How many are coming? I have no idea. Will we have enough food? I don't know, if the food runs out, I'll order some pizzas! Will we have beer? I don't know, that's about the only thing I can't seem to figure out... Maybe I'll post to the boards, get some input...