whitefingers's Journal

Wow.  How did I sneak up on the Big Six?  It went fast! I woke up this morning and I went HUH?! WHA?!  How did that happen?

Here's how I feel: I made it through the kids' vacation week without drinking. It was very VERY unpleasant. I was a royal pain in the ass to my husband. He worked daylight, and he would come home every evening,  expecting to do something fun, like go fishing or go to a movie or out to eat, and I would be just ready to  friggin' GO TO SLEEP, get away from this struggle!!! Towards the end of the week, when I figgured I was making it alright, I think I relaxed somewhat. I was also trying to salvage some sort of good times with him, while the kids were away...

We ended up going to the cottage for the weekend. We fished off the shore on the paddle boat, he fished, I napped, and woke to the glorious sun splashing off the water, a thousand colors, twinkling... It was THE best nap. He caught fish, so he was happy. We paddled over to the steakhouse, for dinner. I thought, oh jeez, I DRINK HERE!!! There were tons of people, bikers and sea captains and vacationers and people on dates and couples out  to dinner with other couples....  It's a FUN place, seriously fun, with outdoor patio dining right on the lake, THAT kind of fun, waterfalls build into the hillside, and nautical decor... fun fun fun... It made for some great "people watching", so that's what we did for entertainment, we sorta watched people and picked on old guys who had their pants cinched too tight... You make your own fun, right?

My husband is so very supportive. He says he'll never take a drink in front of me. He says he'll never have beer in the house again. I'm not sure if this is what we need to do, but those are his ideas of support. I've been talking to him a little, when I'm having a hard time. He sorta listens, but I know it's hard for him to understand. And he sorta seems to be in denial. If I tell him I'm thinking of going to AA meetings, he will at first be insecure about it, like I'm going to meet someone I have more in common with there... That's just how he is. But he doesn't tell me what to do, if I want to go, I go. I just can't seem to get up the courage. I looked up all the meetings in my area... I just make excuses...

The kids are home now. They all look like they shot up about 4 inches!  They are good kids.

My oldest daughter is enjoying the new little house. She's fixing up her bedroom, meeting all the neighbors... She's living in town, so she's finding out... well... people in our little  town are really prejudiced...  it's blatant in some, and latant in others,  but it's always there, sometimes right in your face, sometimes it's the undercurrent... It's hard on her, as she has been raised differently, up here on the hill, in the country..... She gets outraged and she confronts people, and she makes enemies... I am trying to work with her on it, she has to cool it, you can't change people... That's how they were raised, and generations back, it goes way back... Sometimes you have to let someone say something ugly, and you have to let it slide off your back, and try to look for the good in that person, and hope that you can, down the road a bit, hope that you can effect them in a positive way... But you can't change people by berating them. It just doesn't happen.  I don't know, I don't mean you have to take everyone's shit, I don't mean that, but there's a time and a place for trying to effect change. You have to be subtle. Diplomatic. Sneaky, even! But I am 45, she is 20, I'm had a lot more years to figure that out...

I think the house is good for her. I think it's working some sort of magic. That, and her medication is kicking in. She is changed. She is recognizable as my daughter again. My daughter 3 years ago even... She is much more like her old self, before all this angst and depression and harshness set in... She is feeling for other people, and it's been a long time since she was able to do that.  I'm praying, praying, praying, God, please, help her to heal...

I can't write more now. I'm hopeful,  but I'm crying. She's been through so much. She was so hard and so ugly. I want my beautiful daughter back. I want her to gain her weight back, and get her shining blonde hair back, and her giggle, and her twirling and her love of nature, her sense of fairness...  I've seen a glimpse and it's given me hope... Which is painful in itself, hope, yearning... desperation... God, help her. Help us as a family to heal.