whitefingers's Journal

My husband is sleeping next to me. How does he do that.... sleep...

I sleep, but it's weird hours. 7 or 8 pm to 3 am. And then I'm up. Knocking about the quiet house. Me and these thoughts.

Sometimes I look at him and I love him so much. Really. I get taken over by this love, and gratitude... because if I didn't have him... through all this, how on this earth...

How can you love someone so much, and then sometimes, I'm filled with such a RAGE, I'd like to tear his arms off, or remove his FACE, and other violent thoughts...

Sigh...

I wish I were a cartoon. I wish I had a cartoon club, and I could bonk people over the head with it, BONK BONK BONK. Pound them right into the cartoon ground... BONK!! I'm a chicken hawk and YOU'RE A CHICKEN!!! BONK!!!

I am Chicken Hawk. I have short-man syndrome. Little Napoleon. I'm always angry. Always grumpy. Always negative.  Because I'm small and insignificant and ineffective. I have no power. Or I believe I have no power, and so I make everyone around me miserable.

I long to be soft. Soft and gentle. I am crusty and damaged.

Can a person change their very nature? CAN THEY? Even when people are still reacting to the OLD VERSION. Do people LET you change your nature? Or is it just a convenient excuse, well, you know, I TRIED to change, but these people in my life, they just kept me right where I was at...

Can I change?

I've changed a LOT.

I'm not drinking.

I'm not eating disordering... whatever... I'm not doing it....

What else can I change?

I can't change my daughter's personality.

She can do that.

If I can do that, she can do that.

We can do that.

She needs help.

I can help her.

She will let me.

She will.

Chicken Hawk says so. 

Will she?

God, will she?

Please God, help me to find my daughter again. Help us both to find what we were before the damage. Good and kind and peaceful. If you cry out for peace in your life, if you quiet the storm within yourself... can't you see more clearly? Am I seeing more clearly?

Am I mental?  

My husband, when he doesn't know how to help me, he cleans the house. Today he cleaned the living room and kitchen. It's trashed by now... but he cleaned them.

He cleaned the interior of my car. And I look around and I see all the spots he missed... Or the ArmorAll he didn't rub in... Or the shop vac he didn't put away...  Or the fact that he didn't wash the outside...

I have today. No school today. I can get a lot done. I can enjoy doing the things I have to do. I have Franki and Zack. this is their school picnic day. Other people are at Kennywood today. What will I do to make sure my kids have a fun day? I have nothing prepared. What will I do?

My husband is home for a while this morning, before work. He's wearing a shirt I bought him. It has stripes down the one side, and it's made out of that breathable sportshirt stuff, with a collar and a zip-up at the neck. Very sporty. He got a haircut recently. What will we do with this time?

I cleaned out the refrigerator yesterday. It was disgusting. I threw out about 15 jars of crap, about 10 lbs of rotten produce,  and 7 or 8 bowls of stinky, moldy, mystery things.  I could think of it as a metaphor. .. A really fitting metaphor...