whitefingers's Journal

Why, yes, yes I do, I want a medal, thank you, and a COOKIE too, while you're at it. I quit drinking, on my own, without detox, without a doctor, without a counselor, without a meeting. It's just me and the self-help section of my local library. And my computer. And the DailyStrength community. (So I guess it hasn't been "on my own", exactly...)

My point is this; I didn't bottom out. I didn't get arrested for DUI. I didn't wreck my car. (Thank you, God) I didn't put my family through an agonizing hell for months and months or years and years while they slowly watched me pickle myself from the inside out.

The problem with catching yourself before you bottom out (I can even find a problem in THAT!) is that you are then taken less seriously. Your problem is taken less seriously. As in:

"You must not have had much of a drinking problem, we never noticed it."

Oh yeah? Well, were you there when I was standing down in the laundry room, chugging red wine from the 5-LITER BOX I had hidden behind the AJAX AND THE MURPHY'S DAMNED OIL SOAP?!?

Were you there when I was standing in a GAGGING, REEKING PORT-O-POTTY at Ye Olde Rennaissance Faire, chugging white wine from the "water bottle" I carried in my bag that day?

Were you there when I was hiking down the peninsula trail along the Youghiogheny River, and I was secretly chugging vodka disguised as Diet Lipton Iced Tea in my back-pack?

Were you there when I accidently set off the security alarm at Walmart, because I had a metal FLASK full of VODKA in my purse?!!!!

Actually, my family WAS there, all those times. They just had no idea what I was doing. I'm very sneaky. You don't hide 30 years of binge alcoholism, and BULIMIA, without being pretty darned sneaky.

My family, I think their impression of me is that I was some sort of party girl. A fun drunk.  That funny little Whitefingers, she sure likes her wine!

Right?

Yeah. I like my wine.

I like my wine. FOR BREAKFAST. Is the problem. What DOES one serve with oatmeal, red or white?

Sigh.

It's not that I want a medal, or even a cookie, for quitting the drinking and the bulimia. It's not that I want recognition. What I want is support. I want my family to acknowledge that what I'm doing is difficult. I want them to take it easy on me. Be a little accommodating. Make tiny efforts to cushion the way for me, just a little. I don't want babied. But I want... I just want... a little support.

To be fair, I haven't told anyone about the bulimia. And I quess I just sorta flippantly told them about the alcohol. I just said, well, I'm trying to cut out sugar, and caffeine, and alcohol from my diet... It probably sounded like some sort of health-kick, instead of recovery... So I guess I can't blame them for not understanding. I haven't really let anyone in on my struggle,  how hard this has been. I haven't broken down, I haven't shreiked,  I haven't lost 1/2 my body weight, I haven't cut off all my hair with a rusty blade, or shredded my shirt right from my meth-shrunken torso...

In the past, when any of the women in my family have had their "nervous break-down", and I can think of four of them right off the bat, there has been much breaking down, and shreiking, and weight loss, and hair cutting, and shredding of garments. And then they get help, and they get medication, and the entire family rallies around them and fusses over them and worries over them and cushions them and paves the way for them and supports them and blah blah blahhhhhhhh.  

I don't need any of that. But it would be nice if my family just made a little effort to take some of the stress off me. I don't need attention, I don't need acknowledgement, in fact, I'm not all that comfortable TALKING about it all, but I could use a little less stress...

Specifically, I don't want to have Easter dinner at my house. Easter dinner means 35 people in my little house. It's a mad-house, before, during, and after. I want out of the preparations, the cleaning, the fussing, the worrying, the freaking out... Why do I have to have so many of the family dinners? Other people have HOUSES!!!! There are people with far bigger houses than me, and they've never had ONE holiday dinner! In fact, I'd like to "opt out" of holiday dinners for the entire year!

On Easter Sunday, I'd like to get up, put a dress on, and head on over to SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE, with my little Strawberry Trifle, or my Three-Layer Jello Salad. No worries, no massive house cleaning, no fussing, no freaking out....

That's all I want. Is that too much to ask, for someone struggling to give up two HUGE 30+ YEAR DAMN ADDICTIONS????!!!!!!!!!

Am I being a big baby? Am I asking for attention? If I say, "Hey, I want to opt out of having holliday dinners at my house for a while.", is that asking for attention? I really don't think I want attention, I just want to lighten my load for a while. Give myself a break. Holiday dinners are a HUGE trigger for me, I drink the whole day, morning to night...  or I massively binge/purge AND drink...

When I think about my Aunts asking, "Oh, what's up with Whitefingers? Is something going on? Why does she not want to have Easter at her house?..."   I know that's not what I want. I don't want their worry, I don't want attention, I just want less stress in my life. I want to remove the things I KNOW are freaking me out.  Easter Dinner for 35 is a huge one.