brighter83's Journal

I try to live my life not drowning in a sea of self pity.  Not wanting to cry. Not wanting to feel lonely. Not berating my past. I sit here in frustration and despair. Wishing life would instantly satisfy me. Wishing I didn't have to feel the pains of change. The desperation of being outside of my comfort zone. Wanting to feel different. Wishing that if only I had a man to take care of me things would be better knowing that wouldn't help at all.  If only I could drink away the pain and it wouldn't make things worse in the process.  I feel bad for picking up the cigarrettes again. But its done if I want to quit I have to go back to the drawing board and decide how much I want this. I have to figure out how much I want to not drink. How much I want to love myself so that maybe one day I can find a man that help me get through life and be my equal not caretaker.  I don't need a caretaker. I'm too independent for that anyway. I found that out the hard way.  In a sick way I still miss what I had and sometimes regret leaving him.  But knowing now that my life though lonely is so much better I could't have made as much progress in the last seven months as I have had if I were still with him.  It hard for me to remember sometimes how much progress I really have made in a short period of time.  My addictions and being prone to being addicted to anything that makes me feel different make things difficult. I need to have more faith than I do I need to trust in God and get out of this sea of shame and despair I contstantly find myself sinking into the depths of.