So what's life like when someone …
So what's life like when someone who's very close to you has some serious issues that they refuse to deal with? …
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Megan4955 
3:19am, September 20, 2009
I have not slept in two days so I just gave up trying.
...
When I was little my mom used to bring home this one kid from her school. She did everything with him; she took him to movies and bought him everything he wanted...but she never had time for me.
Now that I look back on that I dont care...and it feels like I never did. I dont know if I ever saw her as my mom, just another human.
There was one time...it was her birthday and me and my dad had a party for her...I think I was about 5 or 6...and she spent the whole day crying in bed because she was to depressed to get up...
so we partyed without her.
And when I was 4,5,6, and 7 she would say she was going to the bank and stay out all night. Its pretty obvious where she was but not to a 7 year old. I used to go into a panic wondering what had happened to her, thinking that she was hurt.
But after awhile I just stoped caring, just like she did about me.
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oh megan, this is so heart felt. i know it must hurt deep to write this in your journal. but our therapist say that what you are doing is the best, keep writing in your journal. please feel free to talk with me anytime, I hope you can feel this big that i am giving you. your are so presious and sweet. luvvvvsssssssss
hotdogalice
"Now that I look back on that I don't care." Obviously, you do; you are writing about it years later. The wounds are still there. She is an alcoholic, I'm sure - I have never read your journal before. If you worried about her when she disappeared, then you did care. You loved her. You probably still do. I hope you are in therapy and are talking about it. These parental wounds go so deep and affect us so profoundly throughout our lives - I wish the best for you. I know how you feel. I don't feel my mom loved me, either. Please try to talk to some caring adult, and keep writing in your journal here.
I just looked at your avatar. You are 14. Is there a school counselor you can talk to? A friend's mother you like? You need to talk to someone. I agree with hotdogalice. You are precious and sweet. I care what happens to you.
shevan
I just read some other journal entries of yours. Your dad is misinformed about therapy - he is soooo wrong - people who go to therapists are smart - they get the help they need instead of doing self-destructive things. I hope you can talk to your school counselor!
shevan
Actually I am switching schools but I think they do have a counselor there and I wanted to talk to someone, I just did not want my dad to know. He had a very bad childhood and I think he has learned that its easier to not have feeling than to deal with them.
I dont have many friends and the ones I do have im not close to and rarely see them.
I dont think she is an alcoholic but she does drink quite a bit. She left when I was so yong I never noticed if she drank and now I dont see her enough to know. I lived with her part time when I was 8-12 and...well...um
...she used to hit me...
Im not sure if it was because she drank or not.
Anyway thankyou so much for caring I really appreciate that!
Megan
Megan4955