Journal

Well, its been a week without my Sami girl and I still haven't stopped crying.  I miss her so much... I actually "long" for her.  I know i did the right thing but it still hurts.  I find myself forgetting she is gone...when I walk into the house....when I don't finish what I'm eating and think she will....all kinds of silly things.  Its so empty here without her.

I wanted to thank all of you who wrote to me with kind words and thoughts.  It really did help and I appreciate it so much.  You sure are wonderful people.

Thanks again.

Susan

I know this doesn't have anything to do with drugs but it does have to do with my life.  I had to put my dog Sami down today.  She was 15 years old, very weak...couldn't use her hind legs anymore, and had lost her dignity.  I had to carry her outside to do her business and she wieghed over 70 lbs. so it wasn't easy...but I was happy to do it for her.  She was such a sensitive, gentle, loving dog.  I'm so happy for all the love and good times we gave each other...but I'm so lonely without her.  I really loved that dog. 

The house seems empty without her.  We had a good last day together and I think she was glad I was doing it.  She probably was just hanging on for my sake.  I know she was just a dog...so many people on this site have lost a human loved one and that is so hard....but she was part of our family...so she was loved just as much.  I know this will be hard on my son, Jason, because he loved her so much and he's far away in California and couldn't be with Sami at the end.  My daughter went with us and the two of just sobbed and sobbed.  It's amazing how draining this all has been...we're both tired and now have to face tomorrow without our girl.

So, I'm sad right now and feeling the love I have for a good, good friend.

Bye, bye Sami girl.

This is for all of the heroin addicts who haven't quit yet, for those who are relapsing, for those in relationships still questioning what to do. This is not meant to harm but to help some of you really see what your addiction is doing to others .  Maybe you care, maybe you don't..but you need to know.

The addict spends most of their time figuring how, when and where to get their next fix....hours & hours everyday....stealing, lieing, manipulating everyone, all for themselves.  They do not care about anyone else or the trouble and heartache they are causing.  We all know this.  Well, here's what WE go through...the family, the friends, the parents, the spouses.

We get up everyday and check to see if you are alive. ..(how fun!  This is what I always wanted to do as a parent!)...did you make it home?  We go to our jobs probably half asleep....hard to sleep at night when you are constantly worried about where the addict is.....we put up with the ususal B.S.. ya know, all the stuff that the addict can't handle...we may get phone calls at work concerning or from the addict, which interupts our day and annoys our co-workers and bosses. Maybe because of all the problems and stress due to the addict, we miss too much work or don't do our jobs as well as we use to.  Maybe our nerves are shot and people wonder what is wrong with us?  We don't smile or laugh as much as we use to, either.  We become zombies, walking around in a daze.  When we get home, we might find you gone...now more worries or maybe you're asleep in the filthy room you refuse to clean.  If you aren't home and we know you are short on money..."for a change"...we might look through our valuables to see if anything is missing...sadly, sometimes things are missing.  OH! You stole from us again!  The ones who care about you, try to help you, support you....you know, the stupid ones!  Maybe we watch you go through withdrawels or overdose....or get that "jonesy" way..sweating, pacing, making numorous phone calls, people coming over at all hours.  We smell the vomit...see the sickness.

Every once in a while, we might have some fun with you...IF you've been able to get your fix that day.  Maybe we see a little glimmer of who you used to be.  Maybe you tell us you quit.  Great!  Then we let our guard down and back you go.  Now we start searching for telltale signs that you are using again...searching the bathroom...you sure are in there a lot!....your room.  Maybe we find things..maybe not.  But deep down inside we know...you ARE using again and we hate you for it!  We hate ourselves for believing you.  We even blame ourselves.  And yet we love you...more than you may even remember or know.

When you are home it is stressfull...when you are gone it is stressfull.  Will you be arrested tonight?  OD?  Will we get a call from jail, yet again?  When will you straighten out?  Should we let you stay or kick you out?  Our friends have pretty much had it with us.  They don't really understand the whole addiction thing but they are definitley sick and tired of hearing about it.  So after a while, we don't confide anymore.  No one really talks or asks about you anymore...and its painful because we love you but we can't really talk about  you anymore because there is nothing to say!  You are now an embarrassment to your entire family.  Everyone in the town we live in knows...they don't talk about it to our face...but they know.  If you have a brother or sister, you should hear and see the hell they go through!  Yup, its ALL about YOU!  Everyday, everything is ALL about You!  You and your heroin!

So we are totally stressed out and probably very low on money because you use a lot of it up.  You get it out of us...you steal from us...we might lose our job because of you.  We are not the person we used to be.  Now we are old, tired, grumpy, sad ...basicaly burned out!  This might go on for years.  So with all the hell you are going through...you are making our lives hell too! 

Maybe we are lucky and you don't die...thank God...maybe you get your self through detox and rehab and get clean.  This is WONDERFULL!  This is what we've been praying for!  Free at last!  Now you move on with your life.  And you have hard work to do and we are proud of you for doing it! But let me tell you...you leave us with quite a mess to clean up!  Now we have time and maybe a little brain power left to deal with our life...and its not a pretty sight.  Now that the storms you have caused all these years have passed, our life may be in shambles!  What about all the money we have lost?  Our careers?  Our relationships?  We now have to start ALL over again too!  Rebuilding our family..our friends (if we have any left) our careers.  Maybe we have lost so much that sometimes WE feel like giving up...maybe its too late for our dreams. We are now depressed and angry.  We love you...but we need time to heal too. This is what YOU have done to us.  So, no, life isn't always pretty and yes, you will go through some hard times in your recovery.  But always remember that you are not alone.  We are in recovery too!  So when you feel the pain from the problems you have brought on, maybe that is your pennance.  You have wreaked havoc on us...we feel pain too....anger and sadness.  Yes, life is hard!  Yes, sometimes it seems like running away would feel better...but that road leads back to this same crossroad!  How many times do you have to go through this and drag us along with you?  You have to learn how to COPE.  Not being able to cope is what got you into this mess to begin with!

So for those of you who are wondering...should I stay in this?  This is what you have to look forward to.   Its sad and  very difficult.  IF your addict wants to get help...great!  Help them get it...but you will need help dealing with the aftermath, too.  For you addicts who are still using...this is what your family and friends feel like.  For those of you on the verge of relapse...this is what you will force your family to continue in while you continue your habit.  PLEASE do us a favor and STOP!  Stop before it gets worse and before everyone's lives are ruined.  Its not fair and its not worth it.  Please give your family a break from all of this  and give them the space and time they need to heal too.