Mandy1991's Journal

when you have time to yourself when you dont want it you have time to sit back and think about what you are doing with your life. what goes right and what goes wrong. i dont do much right, i try my hardest to make everyone happy to the best of my ability. sometimes it doesnt make yourself happy or it just makes everything worse. the last three days have just been ugh. i feel so alone and messed up. im caught between three things. they are all surrounding me. my stepdad, trying to lead me in the right direction helping me fix myself up to make the right choices. i love him for that but i feel like a puppet all the time, my family just doesnt understand me and how im shooting for individuality and independence. one thing i cant talk about no more is getting to me the most, the only people who know about my major issue is my father, my mother, my uncle, kriss, and my bio father. my girlfriend is really upset with me right now, yesterday was an important date, and i was hardly there. i tried to tell her it was not my fault and that i was really sorry. her friends think i am cheatin on her and that i use her and that i dont love her. when the truth is, i love her, i am not cheating, and i am not using. i would never do that to her, i could not do it i love her too much. i want to make it all up to her but sorry just does not help all the time. she was thinkin about if we really even belonged together. i think we really do but i dont think she thinks so anymore and i cant control her feelings. all i can do is tell her i think we do and that it is all going to get better.  i dont like making her cry it kills me inside when i know it's all my fault. i will take every blame for her, she is perfect and doesnt need to be blamed for everything, and when she blames herself for why i cry i just want to wrap my arms around her tightly and kiss her. why i cry is because i always find my faults in all that happens. i really do love her, i need to fix myself up for her, i want to be everything i wanna be and everything she wants and expects from me. i want to take care of her and keep her from harm. i really miss her to death shes my angel and she makes me stronger. im going to try and change myself, starting with how i have been treating her. i am never leaving her anymore, it hurts both of us when i do.

bre, 

 i love you so much and yesterday did not go the way i wanted it too. i wish i could have talked to you on the phone. i never meant to make you cry. i can see now and i just want to cuddle with you later and show you how much i love and adore you baby.

  love,

    mandy