Cecilia215's Journal

I somewhat apprehensively made the choice to attend a weight watchers meeting today.  I know I said I wouldn't.  I know I said that I have sworn off meetings.  Having felt like I did a good job following the program and then gaining 3 pounds I felt I needed a little something extra.  My background with Weight Watchers has left me as jaded as a middle aged mother of 3 who is back for yet another round of meetings and weekly weigh-ins.  I began WW just after my 13th birthday.  At 5'10 I weight 215 lbs.   I had never been satisfied with my weight.  Honestly.  As far back as 2nd grade I felt like the fat kid.  I was tired of it.  So I joined and started obsessively losing weight.  I didn't do it in an unhealthy way but I was obsessively perfect.  I left no point unnacounted for.  I strove to lose that weekly 2-3 pounds.   The weight came off in a matter of months and I was down to 153 lbs.  I was elated.  The only problem was after all that militaristic perfection, I didn't know how to deal with eating like a normal person.  By the end of my sophmore year of high school I had gained every pound back plus 50.  I was a wreck.  Mentally, phsyically and emotionally, I hated my body.  

College started.  Coincidentally I had a cousin getting married around Memorial Day.  I made it my goal to start losing weight.  It started to come off, a little slower but nonetheless I was shaping up.  I also started working out at the gym that was available to students.  Soon I was down 30 pounds.  I yo-yod a bit with those 30 pounds but I was still well above 200.  Now I am really pretty good at maintaining my weight and definately good at going to the gym.  I still, however, struggle to lose the pounds. 

Walking into that meeting today was hard.  It brought back a lot of feelings of frustration, lack of self-esteem and guilt that I had in high school for allowing myself to eat my way up over 100 pounds.   I only hope that now as I start a new chapter in my life, my teaching career, I have the nerve to do something good for myself.  I want to make the kind of slow yet noticable change I made when I started college.  I have all the tools: a gym membership, a little extra money for the meetings, and a mom who cooks healthy meals.  I hope that slowly I fall back into the rhythm and routine of the meetings.  I know it will be a challenge.