Greener06's Journal

So, my best friend called Saturday morning to see if she could stop over to "catch up".  I thought it was odd, and realized as I was looking in the mirror, brushing my teeth, that she was coming over to tell me that she was pregnant- I mean I seriously looked at myself and said aloud "Crystal is pregnant".  How did I know?  I don't know- I just did.  When she got here she was making small talk and I was doing my darndest to push the inevitable off.  She finally took a breath- and before she could open her mouth I said "you're pregnant".  She burst out in tears and started apologizing to me.  I hugged her and told her how happy I am for them, and how she has no reason to apologize.  I didn't ask, but am almost certain that either it was her first month off the pill, or it was just a complete surprise.  She is 8 weeks and goes for her first appt. on Thursday.  I felt like shit because she was crying for me- and I was crying for me too.  As happy as I am for them, I can't help but feel the hole in my heart open up even deeper from the jealousy I feel.  They just celebrated their first anniversary in April, and here they are- pregnant.  We've been trying for over 3 years, and not even a glimmer of hope.  After Crystal left I called DH to come home (I didn't even know where he was)  He asked why and all I did was start sobbing.  He asked if they were pregnant, and I sobbed even harder.  He was irritated because he was apparently going to meet his buddy for lunch- I told him I needed him home and he told me to stop crying, so I hung up.  When he got home he got aggravated with me and told me I need to stop reacting to every pregnancy announcement this way.  Really?!?!  Because I have a great deal of control over my emotions.  I spent the entire afternoon crying in the basement- reading my Bible, praying, calling out to God.  I had to get it together eventually because my parents were coming over to watch the trick-or-treaters.  My mom knew something was wrong, as my eyes were so swollen it was obvious- but thankfully she didn't ask.  Crystal is my mom's goddaughter and my mom is close to her mom.  Crystal and her husband haven't told anyone yet except me and my DH, so thankfully my mom didn't pry because I wouldn't have known what to say.

Fast forward to Sunday then, after not sleeping more than 5 hours Saturday night- and DH and I start talking about adoption.  I told him that we need to move on, that I can't take this waiting month after month.  He told me- "go for it, I'm in all the way, start the ball rolling"  I told him how I just want to go with a national agency right away to avoid the super long wait time and the red tape that Wisconsin has when it comes to adopting.  I don't want to have to wait until our baby is 6 months old before we get custody.  He agreed and told me to call the agency and see what we all have to do to get the ball rolling.  I was on cloud nine last night, very much at peace, because DH told me that he woke up yesterday morning feeling strongly that we will have our own baby, but that he too thinks that we are meant to adopt first.  We talked about the cost of a national agency, all $20,000 of it, and how it is worth the extra money in order to find our match sooner rather than two, three, or four years from now.  He assured me that it would all work out and that somehow, someway we would make it work.  We talked about asking family and friends for help with either financial gifts or loans.  He said we would do whatever we needed to do to make it work.

So, what do I do??  I get up this morning feeling as though a thousand pounds have been lifted from my shoulders.  I go to work knowing what I need to do today to get things going.  During my prep time (yeah, I know, I should have graded the papers from last week) I began writing a letter to our family and friends telling them of our decision to stop infertility treatments and begin our adoption journey.  In the letter I ask that they begin praying for the birthparents of our child, and for the baby that God will form just for our family.  Along with prayers for them, I request prayers for the financial part of the process, that somehow, someway we are able to come up with the $20,000 we need to adopt, and ask our friends and family to consider helping us out by either giving money, hosting a Tupperware party to allow me to make some extra money, or by helping DH find some side jobs to make some $$ (he fixes cars on the side).  The letter was three pages long- but only a small part of the last page asks for the financial help.  Mind you, this is a suggested way by most agencies to help come up with the $$ needed to fund adoption. 

I come home at 7:30 tonight from a meeting about our contract in which I learn that our district wants to change our contract language for adoption which would allow us to take 6 weeks of paid sick leave when we adopt and have our insurance paid for up to 9 weeks total, even if I would take three weeks unpaid leave when we get our placement.  Previous to this, adoption leave has been unpaid, without insurance unless we want to pay for it ourselves (I'm a teacher remember and honestly couldn't afford the insurance myself).  I felt like this was just another sign that adoption is the route for us, because just a few months ago we had talked about how if the leave was all unpaid with no benefits, we wouldn't be able to afford me taking off- thus making adoption not feasible to for us.

When I get home DH has done a complete 180- and starts ranting that he can't believe I wrote a letter to our friends and family, he isn't sure that we are supposed to be doing this, he feels like I am "pushing" things too fast.  He thinks that because our friends got pregnant after five years of trying that we miraculously will do the same.  He continues on about how he thinks that the reason we aren't pregnant is because I want it so bad and can't seem to function anymore.  I was floored to say the least!  He then tells me that instead of going to friends and family he would first sell his motorcycle (mind you, we just bought it last spring)- and then flips again and tells me that we need to talk to someone at church to make sure we are doing the right thing by pursuing adoption.  Really?  Because the pastor can tell us what is best for our family-  he might be a pastor, but that doesn't make him the knower of God's will for our lives. 

ARRRGGHGHHHH, I am SO PISSED at DH right now!!  We went to bed and tried cuddling- really???  Because I want to be close to him right now??  He can't explain to me why he would tell me he's "all in" and then change his mind.  We need to wait until we can afford it he says- because yes, $20,000 is going to be something we will have saved up- well, maybe by the time we are 60!! Yes, he has been on partial layoff since June, and I know that isn't his fault- but he also hasn't attempted to do too much to look for a different job for the winter that would give him 40 hours a week- maybe if he tried that then money wouldn't be tight, and we could start saving.  I agree that money is tight- but I also know that we aren't going to need $20,000 in the next month.  We need enough to cover the homestudy and initial costs for the agency.  He asked how we would afford diapers and formula- again, I explained, we won't be getting a baby in the next four months- we're looking at 9-18 months for a placment!  What's my hurry he asked?  I CAN"T TAKE THIS MONTH AFTER MONTH, week after week!!  I want to be a mommy and can't handle every week when literally I find out at least one new person is pregnant, if not more on a weekly basis. 

I am so pissed that he would get my hopes up only to crash them down in the matter of a few minutes.  I am pissed that he doesn't feel I have a right to be upset right now- I am pissed that he can be sleeping and doesn't even realize I am not in bed anymore. 

I HATE INFERTILITY!!!  I hate the pain that cuts deep inside every time I hear a baby's cry or see an add on tv to help stop abortions.  I hate the emptiness, I hate the lack of control, I hate the constant hurt that I feel and the lack of true joy in my life.  I hate that I feel hopelessness all the time, and the fear that infertility is going to draw DH and I apart.  I hate everything about this journey!