Journal

hey everyone, i left ds for a little bit because sometimes it makes my anxiety worse.

well last time i posted a journal it was that my boyfriend wanted to take a break.

well he called me the next day and he was really sick and he asked me to go up to his house. so i made him food and i took care of him and then he said he was sorry. apparently his brother and his brother's wife have been awful to him and he was really upset and took it out on me.  now he's not sick anymore andwe haven't really been fighting at all.

his parents went to japan last week and they left us money so we were all happy that we would have a good week while they were gone. he bought me the overcoming anxiety for dummies book and i was feeling better. 

oh and a few weeks ago his brother and his wife, andrew and elaine, bought a new dog. i was really scared of it because it's a pitt bull and they are scary. so they had been kind of rude to me. then i went up to their house while brian was at school because his hamster had gotten out of his cage and i needed to find him. i didn't though. 8[ so elaine was the only one there and i was being really nice, even being nice to her dog. and all of a sudden she starts saying how brian is stupid, lazy, and spoiled. and i got PISSED but i stayed calm. she bitched to me for 20 minutes of all the "bad" things about him. so i listened and explained everything calmly but she didn't want to listen. so i went upstairs and i cried. now i don't want to go over there anymore because i feel like she's trying to get rid of me. because she said. when he does something wrong, you need to go home. and she thinks that like taking out the trash at 9 pm the night before the trash guy gets there instead of 7 am the morning before is a problem. his parents are coming home today so i'm hoping things get better then. 

but the good news is that even though she is a bitch, brian and i are happier than ever. as of today we have been going out for a year and 7 months. and his parents love me  so i think i'm good. because they've been really mad with andrew and elaine because they are too strict and rude. so it should be better today.

well that's the update.

and just so everyone knows, on the day brian said he wanted to take a break, i didn't cut and i wasn't suicidal or anything so i think i did pretty well. 8]

ohoh and i hate psychology so i'm changing my major to fine art because i want to be an art teacher and brian wants to major in animation. so we are planning to go to academy of art university in san francisco. 8]

so that's what's been going on.

my boyfriend and i have been fighting a lot lately and he told me last night that i was stressing out and he wants to take a break.

i know how breaks work. my exes said they wanted a break and then a week later they broke up with me. it starts out that they need space. then they realize how much of a problem i actually am and the break turns into a break up.

he still says he loves me. but it is possible to love someone and never want to be with them ever again. he wasn't even making any sense. he was mad at me because i wouldn't come up to his house because my knee hurt, so then i told him to pick me up and then he did. and then he said i was too dependent on him and i'm so confused. like he was mad because i wouldn't come up and then he doesn't want to see me because i did come up. it makes no sense and i tried to tell him and he said i was just making him want to be with me less. 

my eyes are all red from crying so much. i've only seen him for like 30 minutes in the past 3 days. so i guess he prefers it like that. 

and the absolute worst thing about this whole thing is that he is such a good guy. he's the only guy who has treated me right. and we are really serious too so this is like awful for me. i'm wearing his jacket right now.  i have his jacket some of his shirts, the ring he bought me, letters from him, a hat i'm making him, clothes he bought me, pictures of us everywhere. hell, his picture is my background on my laptop. i'm watching music videos on vh1 and they play songs that he learned to play on guitar for me. and it's not like i can get rid of all this stuff because we aren't technically broken up, we are just taking a break. it was so unexpected. i hate how i have so many problems and how he can't even handle it. we've been together for over a year and a half and he was my best friend for a year before that. i don't even know how to not love him because i have for so long and this year and a half was the only time that i felt like maybe someone would want to be with me forever, despite all my issues. but i guess i was wrong.

anyone who is looking at designer drugs, be careful. be really really careful and read all reports for a few months before deciding to try it.

my boyfriend was on one of the websites looking at one of the drugs that his friend could get him. that guy died because someone messed up the dosages on the drug.

i'm specifically talking about 2-cb-fly

apparently the guy who was making it messed up and made a different drug. which is okay to take in the right doses. but he made the doses for 2-cb-fly. 

there have been many cases of people dying from an overdose on what they thought was 2-cb-fly.

so if you are taking these drugs or if you know anyone taking them, be careful!

there are reports about it all over the internet and they are going to do a thing about it on the news in a few weeks.

some people have taken it and gone to the hospital and were fine, it depends on the person.

if you are taking something, you need to know for a fact that you know exactly what you are taking and the safe doses.

just trying to get this out to people.