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BarbaraBean 
hmm. well. i haven't been to this journal in such a long time. for some reason, am wanting to write in it again. it is self-definition that may be witnessed or may not. there's something comforting in both possibilities.
will start with random odds and ends. so much swirling around in here and i'm not sure how to put a framework on it. first of all, a (slightly quirky) checklist:
physical traits often accompanying AS/mild autism, though not necessary for diagnosis:
1) low muscle tone/hyperflexibility. (check--i have a mild case of this and can quite literally put my foot in my mouth. on a metaphorical level, it's always there anyway. :) can also bend fingers back at tips comfortably. i've had a long-term habit of sitting in positions which i find quite comfortable and soothing and which other people Look At Askance. ("how do you sit like that?")
2) signs of low cortisol (especially low a.m. levels--i apparently have no two-fold increase that those off the spectrum have, and which provides the necessary energy to start a day well.): check.
i have low bp, low body temp (signs of low cortisol levels.) people also consistently tell me i don't look my age--another odd sign of low cortisol.
also have the extremely low, slow mornings--little motivation; filled with comforting routine.
i often wonder if my tendency to burn food very quickly is a sign of this.
3) symptoms of hypoglycemia. for some reason, people on the spectrum often have difficulty regulating blood sugar levels. often feel dizzy/jittery if skipping meals for a time.
4) weird learning quirks (though this is getting into diagnostic criteria a little.):
still struggle with the distinction between left and right.
still must stare at simple addition problems (single digit!) for minutes often before the answer will occur to me. was in late 20's before i was comfortable with clocks/telling time.
it took me forever to understand metaphor (though love it now with a passion.)
i still consistently fail online tests which measure ability to read facial expressions (though body language and facial expressions are important to me when i can read them--most likely b/c of the early abuse.)
i also have absolutely no sense of direction.
very limited short-term memory. long term memory a little on the extreme side.
despite all of the above, i never studied for a single spelling or vocabulary test as a child. (NLD--hyperlexia extremely common.) sadly, i haven't been able to use this ability to become fluent in any other language.
5) difficulties with balance, motor coordination. don't notice as many problems now as i did when younger--couldn't ride bike or hit a ball for anything. but still slightly clumsy/accident prone.
do also have many traits of borderline personality d.o. AS and bpd are not mutually exclusive and can occur together. some of my AS traits can also be explained by the presence of bpd (ex: self-harm, social withdrawal, interpersonal difficulties--understatement.)
none of the traits i listed, however, can be explained by bpd. possibly should also note that complex ptsd and bpd are extremely similar. i have every reason in the world to have complex ptsd. lol. (did i mention morbid or odd humor? it's common on the spectrum too.)
so.. two thing occur to me: 1) there is no point in denial. and 2) the above mixture seems insurmountable.
i refuse to believe in point 2), however. i'm happiest when solving a problem--analytical ones, anyway. (how does this work? how does it fit together? if there's a logical structure to something, i'm cheered.) there is a certain logic to solving this--if there isn't always a logic to my painful behavior. i will make it through. at least today. :) it's all i expect.
this is who i am. i am no one else, and can't be--though sometimes i've wished for that more than anything. it's just what is.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :)
this is it, this journal entry: it's a small act of standing.
