Journal

I had a small panic attack almost an hour ago that has caused me to retreat to my comfort zone...home.  My symptoms were weird feelings in the abdominal/chest region.  Then, and right now, I feel like I have a lot of pressure built up in my abdominal/chest region.  This, in turn, is causing me to think that I might have something wrong with my heart.  I have been struggling with believing I will have a heart attack for a long time.  Even after my last physical (July 2007), my cholesterol was a little high, but nothing to make my doctor put me on meds.   

I believe I knew this was coming, though.  This morning when I woke up I did not feel like going to work.  At that moment I set fire to the anticipatory anxiety after burners.  After a while at work I was feeling great BUT kept thinking about the pressure in my abdominal/chest region.  I guess anxiety called my bluff of being in control and I ended up losing this bout. 

What sad about this is yesterday at work I attended a meeting, had a minor anxiety attack, worked my way through it, and remained in the meeting until it was over.  What progress!!!  Breathing exercises work.  Today, I gave up too quickly.  A minor set-back.  But, I guess with a little progress there's bound to be a set-back every now and then.  I mean, if life were perfect then we wouldn't have anything to worry about.

I've only started working towards a rserious recovery program for a few weeks.  Even though I have been fighting anxiety for many years, I have actually committed myself to winning the battle.  I hate these feelings and how this has affected my life.   

I started a journal back in June and discontinued making daily entries.  This time I plan to stick with it and document as much as I can to track progress and any set backs.  Please understand I am documenting as much as possible concerning specific issues, so some material may be a little graphic.   

Well, it appears that beating anxiety is not as easy a task as I thought.   I continue to suffer the physical side effects more often.  As you can imagine this is seriously impacting my life.  I know I'm not as bad off as some who deal with anxiety...and my thoughts and prayers are with you; however, I'm to the point when my body feels "not right" (nausea, dizziness, gastrointestinal issues, etc.) I start thinking the worst, my heart rate increases, and I get it in my mind I may die.  There are so many things that go through my mind on a daily basis (new house, preganant wife...about to deliver, finances, job security, etc.).

My most recent attack occured early this morning at 1:00am.  I woke up with severe heartburn, ended up going to the bathroom, dryheaving, having a bowel movement, skin feeling very hot, hands and feet getting clammy, fatigue, nausea, chills, and checking my blood pressure...which was high when I first checked it, but normal afterwards.  Needless to say I stayed up for an hour and a half worrying that something terrible was going to be the final outcome.  

 After I fell asleep I woke up to the alarm and decided to take the day off.   I ended waking up around 10:00am and let negative thinking take control.  My wife took her mother out and about with our daughter and I stayed home alone. 

I have decided to contact my bosses, my therapist, and a pastor to get the ball rolling concerning this issue.  I can't keep anything bottled up any more, especially from my wife and therapist.  It's time to swallow my pride and list all of my weaknesses, phobias, etc.  I will be e-mailing a pastor I know in a few minutes as well to see what king of one-on-one sessions we can put together. 

My life has to change, not just for me but for my family.  I can't keep putting other people on hold because of my problems, especially when I'm not being honest with myself about things. 

Thanks for reading and/or listening.  Dave

P.S. Since I typed this and got off the phone with my therapist I am feeling better.  Think I'll go get something to eat...but I'm sure something negative will pass through my mind about the food, will it stay down, etc.  What a world!!!