Journal

Man what a horrible time of it I have been having. All these twinges and pains in my bowels and worries about my infection coming back. I also worry that what if I have something even worse then what the doctors told me. What if they did not diagnose me right or maybe they missed something. I am always stressing and worrying about that. I just got a bit of a nose bleed and of course that made me worry. I am worrying that maybe I have leukemia since nose bleeds is one of the symptoms. On top of all these things I have my usual anxiety and panic attacks. I feel all the time like I am in the middle of the ocean treading water and struggling to keep my head from going under. I wish I at least had a row boat to sit in.

I wish I could stop worrying. I wish I could be realistic. I wish I could beilieve the doctors and trust them. If I could be rational I would tell myself that I just went through blood test twice in the space of one week not even two months ago plus I had exrays and a cat scan.So if there was something wrong then of course with all of these test the doctors would of seen something.I persist in telling myself though that "what if they made a mistake", "what if they missed something","what if I have something horrible and am going to die". It doesn't help either right now that I just don't feel physically good. My bowels are giving me twinges and pains, I have gas and now I have diarrhea. I also have a bit of a sore back although not so sore as it was two days ago. I felt like someone had beaten me all over but mostly in my back and legs. Now it's just a bit of soreness in my back.

I guess bullies are not only in school. It is heartbreaking to come to this place to find that there are bullies in a place like this where we are supposed to comfort and be kind to one another. It is truly upsetting and a blow how someone can twist what I thought was a well written and thought out  post and turn it into something ugly. They picked and chose my words and turned them into something horribly negative and ugly. I feel so awful and put down right now. To be called names and put down is an awful feeling. I don't know if I can even describe how it feels especially for it to happen in a place where we are supposed to be kind to each other.

This past couple of weeks to begin with has been just awful. First I start getting horrible stabbing stomach pains and have no idea what it is. It turned out to be a bowel infection called diverticulitis. This can be a very serious condition but still they have to put you on powerful antibiotics that mess you up during and after you take them. I woke up again from a deep sleep with strong palpitations that at their peak were around 180. I have woken up with the pounding heart but never like that before. I thought for sure I was going to die in my hallway. So again I was hauled away in the ambulance and put through almost eight hours of all sorts of testing including a ct scan. I was not having a heart attack and the ct scan diagnosed me with diverticulitis. The doctor said that because of the infection it  aggravated my palpitations and made them worse then they usually are. 

I just hope that the antibiotics have worked and that my bowel infection will not come back. God I just can't go through that again. I must say on thing for the diverticulitis. It was a huge gigantic kick in the ass to do something about my eating habits. Being overweight contributes to developing diverticulits . For the past two weeks now I have been on an almost liquid diet and the past few days I have added more solids like a piece of plain toast with my soup, apple sauce, bananas and small amounts of lean meats. I have discoved something about weight loss though. Yes it's hard but it's not as hard as I thought. ALready my stomach is getting use to the small portions. So while diverticulitis is a scary and potentially serious thing, it gave me the fear and kick I needed to make a change in my health.