Justinshereyay's Journal

   Well, I did the best I could. I was already manic depressive when I went ON TX, but I honestly didn't believe them when they said the mental sides were real real hard to handle for a lot of people. I thought, I'm stronger than that, I can do 48 weeks. I was WRONG. Having depression and other mental illness i.e. anxiety, excessive worry, etc. on top of what the Interferon and/or Ribavirin did, even BEING TREATED by a psychiatrist, eventually broke me after so many weeks. I just couldn't take it anymore. Suicide became a thought because the physical AND mental pain was SO bad it would be to just end my suffering. However, suicide is the easy way out and even as bad as I was I knew in my heart I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I got ON the TX because I still want good healthy life to live, not to kill myself.

   So, as much as I didn't want to, I had to be honest with the specialist that was monitoring my TX. We grew to have a close relationship for patient/doctor, I've never felt that way with a doctor before. Man or woman. She truly cared about me, deeply, and I could see it and feel it. People like that in our world is what keeps me going. Laying in the blissful fact that the world is not all bad. Anyway, I told her how bad I was feeling and we tried all we could to continue TX, but to no avail. I just had to stop or I was going to have a real breakdown, which I already had had a small one that week. I felt like I was on LSD, it was the most fucked up experience I have had in almost as long as I can remember. See, when they said stop taking your meds, I stopped taking EVERYTHING because why....? I WAS DEPRESSED! I went through ALL this hell to have to quit it early??? Little did I know that stopping Celexa immediately after being on it for a while is a VERY VERY BAD BAD IDEA. Do NOT try this at home. I was having 1-3 second convulsions, didn't sleep or eat for almost 6 days, and was in and out of the ER 3 times in 2 weeks. Finally my psychiatrist figured it out when I told her I had stopped taking everything because I had the major F*** its about life at that time.

   Finally, around a month or so later, back on the correct meds, I'm starting to feel better slowly but surely. Although I didn't finish TX, I did test negative at weeks (either 8 or 12, I can't recall) and at week 32 as well. So my hopes are strong that it is dead. I don't want to think about if it isn't until I have to come to that road again, if so. That TX was the hardest thing I've ever done, so if it comes back I hope they have something a little less brutal by then. All I can do is hope until I go back for my final VL test in a few weeks... If you actually read all of this, thank you for giving a crap enough to even do so. If you're on TX, don't let my story scare you. It's a little different for everyone, and I had/have the hardest geno to kill. So, worry not. I love you all.

-Justin

“True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly"