firestarmist's Journal

Well this is new - options for fonts and bold etc etc very exciting.

I've been pretty busy the last couple of weeks. Trying to keep up with the dating game and not really succeeding. I've only met around 5 people and I feel burntout already. But (my therapist says I dont give myself enough credit) at least I did meet 5 and it was good socializing practice.

My psych has changed the meds that I'm on and I've been feeling sick all week. Right now just looking at the screen makes me feel nauseous. I dont know what it is - maybe withdrawal symptoms? Anyway its not fun.

Last week was a bit of a blank - I couldnt face meeting more guys and couldnt face bridge either so ended up staying at home alone most of the time. Staring at the walls and generally moping around. Not very productive. On the good side though I now have a voluntary job that I'm going to go to one day a week so hopefully that will start me back on the path to getting work again. I know I wont survive without a job so it really is very important.

I'm a bit burntout from trying to help others too, just realising that I dont have the energy or strength. I'm running on empty. Time to start doing some good things to help myself recharge.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my ex and his new partner again while i go through stuff that needs to be chucked or moved. She is very nice - I'm not looking forward to it though, I can't help but feel a bit jealous of their happiness. I remember what it was like sharing my life with him, I miss that. I miss being cared about. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss going out to do fun things. I miss feeling like my life had a future. I miss it all. And deep down I miss him too even though he let me down in the most fundamental way possible.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I hope one day I may find love again. Its absence has left a hole in my soul which is a bit like a black hole. It absorbs everything but can never be filled or quenched.

Heres hoping next week is a better week - I need to work at it to make it so.

Best wishes and hugs to all who read this, I hope you are travelling well on your journeys and if not I'm sending you all warm caring thoughts and hope you have a personal breakthrough soon.