bowlofcherries

About Me

some background info. (short version) on my own history, then maybe you will find it easier to ask specific questions or make comments etc. After several years floating aimless, drugging, sexing, stripping, I was Diva at the head bangers ball- I retired and joined a monastery in 1997. In 2000, I had a major breakdown. I had one of those unfortunate childhoods that lead one to block out said childhood and one day it just all came flooding back, bruises inside and out. I recall looking at a pair of scissors...and screaming inside. I was living in a monastery as a novice nun (seriously) and had never even considered going to a hospital because I felt like hurting myself...but the still small voice said "hospital". I kind of stumbled my way down some stairs into our church, knelt, and began crying and screaming and banging my head on the carpet covered concrete. My Priest heard me, calmly walked in, and asked what I wanted to do, and I just said that weird word again..."hospital." I left the monastery after my ten day visit, my immediate diagnosis being DID, PTSD, and major depression. I was homeless for 3 months, eventually I received SSI. Both my past and this were a mere adventure, compared to what I was going to have to face in order to get well. Now, almost a decade later, I still fight ghosts from the past both daily and nightly. I take Cymbalta-60mg, and 25mg of Librium(2 per day as needed). I am chained to an insane public health care system-I will resist the urge to pull out my soap box. I am my own worst enemy, sabotaging my own life in the most passive-agressive ways. I still have nightmares and panic attacks, public meltdowns and tantrums. I have a difficult time leaving my house and taking care of myselfs most basic needs. I am still grieving for my childhood, I still wish I had a real Daddy. I get jealous of everyone I think "normal." This list could really go on and on depending on the day and hour, but..... Now, almost a decade later, I have been off SSI for 3 long, hard, tearful years-but I bought all my tissues, with money I earned, gutting it out. I have a job, my longest run at the same gig-9 months! (I cook and am mostly alone when I do my work, and have bosses that are fairly tolerant and most forgiving for my "bad" days and call ins). I don't look or feel 35- as long as I don't compare myself to others and other's standards this is a good thing. For six years, I have managed to chip away at a two year degree in fine art-still have a semester to go and it may take two more years, but-it's within reach! I have a lot of good friends and am more able than ever to give back to them as they give to me. I've been out with just my girl friends-Dancing!!-twice this year, it has been a 13yr. goal! Fortunately, this list could go on and on, too! I am passionate about truth and being transparent so my journal and my messages, unless it is personal between us, are open to all my friends, at DS. My ultimate goal is to help others in the same way that I have been helped. Nothing and no-one is perfect and the work we do to get better is the most important and the most difficult work in the world--I believe that fighters and survivors are tiny lights that light the way for others, we are special. love, Shannon Marie

some background info. (short version) on my own history, then maybe you will find it easier to ask specific questions or make comments etc. After several years floating aimless, drugging, sexing, stripping, I was Diva at the head bangers ball- I retired and joined a monastery in 1997. In 2000, I had a major breakdown. I had one of those unfortunate childhoods that lead one to block out said childhood and one day it just all came flooding back, bruises inside and out. I recall looking at a pair of

Website

urildarosa@yahoo.com

Interests

cooking on a budget, writing, drawing, collage, museums, nudity, rainy days, music: Bob Dylan, Neil Young, most of the stuff my younger friends introduce me too (I tend to be stuck in the 70's) hip-hop/funk, Gnarles Barkley, Niko Case, old Blues, just about anything I can dance to in the Ali-Sheedy-Breakfast-Club style, cat language, peonies, psychology, fire places, movies, smart-ugly people, stained glass in a quiet church, the country, saying FUCK YOU, fighting injustice on any level, laughing loudest, pabst beer (cheap) walking in good weather, sleeping, trying to be a good person, seeking destiny, all children and babies (always say hi to a kid who looks sad!) dark chocolate, 420, soft blankets, girl's night out(does not happen enough-my bad), rambling conversations, reading self-help that is not cheesy, saying shocking things to make people laugh or to make them mad-I thoroughly enjoy the fact that I was born without a filter........it is my best and worst quality.

cooking on a budget, writing, drawing, collage, museums, nudity, rainy days, music: Bob Dylan, Neil Young,