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TonyRay 
8:36pm, June 15, 2009
Thanks everyone for saying such nice things. I've been off site and off reality for a few days I guess. I just got so sick of dealing with all the stuff I needed to escape and stop thinking about everything going on for a while. On April 26th and 27th I spent my time with driving around looking at apartments I so far haven't been to happy with what I saw but I put it into my head that I was going to abandon the mortgage and that I was going to escape. It gave me some feeling of empowerment ... She spent time on the computer working on her website for the actor and was frustrated that she couldn't actually do the website work ... eventually I decided instead of having her treat me like garbage I would set up a wordpress website for her ... to get her off my back. I did that and she has been more tolerable to me ... for now ... she has been keeping busy happily loading her stuff about this actor and filling in the content and I have just thrown myself into taking care of the kids and started playing that computer game I was addicted to again to escape reality myself. Probably a bad idea but its my escape ... my freedom and I have some friends on there that support me.
On April 28th I was on my way to the Councilor for the first time in 2 weeks (he had a surgery) and to look at another apartment Jen asked me where I was going suspiciously ... I told her the truth that I was going to the Councilor and looking at another apartment ... that I couldn't handle living like this as room mates and that one of needed to move ... She said "Whatever you do don't sign anything ... I might change my mind and you'll regret it." I left but found this strange ... later I asked her what she meant ... did she want to stay together and she said "I don't know what I want to do".
I went out to eat with my father and son that evening for my fathers 72nd birthday and when I came back I helped her a bit on her website and did my own thing. On April 29th she asked me if I wanted to go with her on her jobs ... she wanted to train me ... wanted me there ... it was awkward ... she talked about her actor most of the time and I just sat quietly thinking.
Its weird ... it seems like she wants to give it another chance but yet ... I kind of feel used ... statements she says hint at staying together ... but do I really want too. I don't know if I really want to ... I keep thinking that I myself have been forced to give up alot because of being with her. I used to go play games every sunday night with some friends but gave that up ... she always gave me a hard time about it. Same for lots of things. Now she wants me to give up my thing I have been going to since i was 10 years old ... my vacation once a year that I go to myself to play games. I keep thinking that I would have friends and I could go places and do things if I was not with her.
Its funny ... we both kind of want the same thing ... she wants to be free and meet people and have fun and travel ... so do I. You'd think we could do that together but for some reason we can't ... we both feel trapped by each other ...
I don't really know what to do ... and if I do go along with this ... and we do stay together ... I just have a feeling that the only way she will agree to it is if I give up everything that makes me ME up ...
She will never understand me ... never know what I do and have to deal with ... never respect me ... never truly see that she has problems herself ... because she refuses Counseling ... she refuse to admit that she did anything wrong ever ... that she has any blame in this ... where we are.
I feel like the only way to truly have her see my side and see what she might miss in us not being together is if we separate for a while ... maybe forever ... maybe for only a few months ...
I also kind of think this will just be a lull ... that I cant possibly keep up with meeting all her demands ... that she will once again feel she wants a divorce ... and then she will hit me with the same bombshell on her terms ...
Weird ... I wanted to save the marriage but now ... I'm not so sure ... I know if we did stay together I wouldn't want it to stay the same either ... but I doubt I would have a say in the changes I want out of it ...
Its funny I finally could have the freedom to follow my own dreams too ... to not have someone tell me how to be ...what to do ... to not have to ask permission for things that i want to do.
On April 28th I was on my way to the Councilor for the first time in 2 weeks (he had a surgery) and to look at another apartment Jen asked me where I was going suspiciously ... I told her the truth that I was going to the Councilor and looking at another apartment ... that I couldn't handle living like this as room mates and that one of needed to move ... She said "Whatever you do don't sign anything ... I might change my mind and you'll regret it." I left but found this strange ... later I asked her what she meant ... did she want to stay together and she said "I don't know what I want to do".
I went out to eat with my father and son that evening for my fathers 72nd birthday and when I came back I helped her a bit on her website and did my own thing. On April 29th she asked me if I wanted to go with her on her jobs ... she wanted to train me ... wanted me there ... it was awkward ... she talked about her actor most of the time and I just sat quietly thinking.
Its weird ... it seems like she wants to give it another chance but yet ... I kind of feel used ... statements she says hint at staying together ... but do I really want too. I don't know if I really want to ... I keep thinking that I myself have been forced to give up alot because of being with her. I used to go play games every sunday night with some friends but gave that up ... she always gave me a hard time about it. Same for lots of things. Now she wants me to give up my thing I have been going to since i was 10 years old ... my vacation once a year that I go to myself to play games. I keep thinking that I would have friends and I could go places and do things if I was not with her.
Its funny ... we both kind of want the same thing ... she wants to be free and meet people and have fun and travel ... so do I. You'd think we could do that together but for some reason we can't ... we both feel trapped by each other ...
I don't really know what to do ... and if I do go along with this ... and we do stay together ... I just have a feeling that the only way she will agree to it is if I give up everything that makes me ME up ...
She will never understand me ... never know what I do and have to deal with ... never respect me ... never truly see that she has problems herself ... because she refuses Counseling ... she refuse to admit that she did anything wrong ever ... that she has any blame in this ... where we are.
I feel like the only way to truly have her see my side and see what she might miss in us not being together is if we separate for a while ... maybe forever ... maybe for only a few months ...
I also kind of think this will just be a lull ... that I cant possibly keep up with meeting all her demands ... that she will once again feel she wants a divorce ... and then she will hit me with the same bombshell on her terms ...
Weird ... I wanted to save the marriage but now ... I'm not so sure ... I know if we did stay together I wouldn't want it to stay the same either ... but I doubt I would have a say in the changes I want out of it ...
Its funny I finally could have the freedom to follow my own dreams too ... to not have someone tell me how to be ...what to do ... to not have to ask permission for things that i want to do.
Comments
Sounds like you are beginning to think about yourself??? About damn time!!! ;-) I think you have been giving up yourself for a long time. Maybe it's time to be FIRST for a while??? If she doesn't outright say she wants to work things out, it's just another empty promise. Look after your spirit. C
Shorty54
I agree with Shorty... No one should ever stop you from following your dreams. No one! Its one of the only things we have to live for besides our families. You seem like an incredible man, why are you putting up with this?
dirtdiva