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TonyRay 
8:36pm, June 15, 2009
8 years ago today my wife and I were living in our old bungalow duplex. We were sick of tenants and had turned the upstairs into our bedrooms. It was a sunny day and we woke up early, it was our 9 month old daughter Cali's day to go for her surgery for a cleft palate. I remember getting her ready and suddenly having a feeling come over me, it was unmistakable ... it said "Don't take her ... cancel". I didn't listen to that little voice in my head. It's all a blur in my head from that point on. The next ten days we went through a nightmarish hell where our daughter had the surgery but developed an infection. They couldn't figure out what it was and it spread throughout her lungs, liver and body. I remember the countless specialists, the NICU, two different ventilators and the horrible ECMO (heart-lung machine). I remember the panic in my wifes face ... in my face ... on the f@#%kin doctors face ... when she turned purple ... and inflated three times her size because something went wrong. My daughter died 10 days from today. I remember that I knew she was dead when that happened on the ECMO ... I remember that even though they kept her alive for another day that she wasn't there anymore. Nothing was the same after that day ... I know that now ... I lost it and tried to kill myself ... and in order to cope in the end went into denial about it ... through myself into anything and everything to keep my mind off of the loss of my daughter. In doing that I pushed everyone away from me and abandoned my wife. I didn't know this at the time but I did. I thought I was doing the opposite ... throwing myself into school and work for the family. I thought she understood that but I was wrong in the end. We never got closure for her death ... no one ever took blame and information got lost ... blood samples were disposed of and no lawyer could find enough evidence of wrong doing even though that one doctor said "You mean when we overmedicated her". None of that showed in the medical records and he never admitted to that later.
Last night it was 3 am and I was going to bed and this was on my mind ... so I went in by my wife ... she was creating a website for her actor infatuation "Alex Skarsgard" and fully into her fantasy world. I said nicely, you should go to bed honey its late and you've been working on that all night. I put my hand on her back and she retracted and said "I'm not going to bed now, I'm busy". I said, "You can work on it tomorrow please come to bed." She said, "Leave me alone I can go to bed when I want, I'm not a child." I said "I know your not ... " and walked off and cried. I heard her sigh and laugh to herself so I went in and said, "Jen I'm not sure if you realize it but in a few hours 8 years ago today we took our daughter to the hospital today ... and I will always regret what happened ... and that I had a feeling in my heart to keep her home today ... but I didn't listen to it and it will always weigh on my soul that I failed her ... you and my family. Please just spend some time with me ... "
I begged her for a truce for the night ... I just wanted her to talk to me ... I just needed her to be there with me and not be distant ... not fight not be ignored. I just need some respect ... her to be there and not elsewhere. Instead it turned into an argument ... her telling me how horrible of a husband I've been over the years and that she hasn't felt anything for me for all this time. That she felt no compassion for me. She came at me and hit me a bunch of times and pushed me and I tripped on something and fell against a wall hurting my wrist as I caught myself. I begged her to please stop, not physically but emotionally but she went on with all the reasons she didn't want to stay married to me. I couldn't argue, maybe I wasn't the person she needed. All these years I had just deluded myself into thinking she loved me. I didn't realize that I was hurting her, I guess denial ... selfishness too. I need to get out of here, there is nothing here but pain for me.
It's the start of a very bad day ...
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/6873358-bad-day
Comments
Geez, Tony. What can I say ?
You know this is a terrible place for you to be.
I respect what you are trying to do. I have done similar things.
But abuse is abuse, and it seems like you have taken both mental and physical abuse here.
I am worried about you.
EastCoastAJ
Tony sometimes life just gets ahead of us..Like I said in one of my journal posts, sometimes all we do feels like a failure.
It wasn't your fault or your wife's fault. I am so soryy about your daughter. i am sorry you isolated yourself away from your wife. i don't undertand her behaviour but I feel that somewhere inside her she is hurting too..And I can only imagine how much pain you are going through right now...
It will be allright!..It will just be allright...
strumphyy
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Please try not to be so hard on yourself in regards to her death. Its not your fault, you shouldnt hold that guilt. Everyone handles losses differently. You cant sit here and wonder what you could have done differently to save your daughter or your marriage. You're just torturing yourself by doing that. Instead you should celebrate the time you did have with your daughter.
In regards to your wife. You've done what you could. It sounds as though maybe it would be good for you to be away from your wife.Let yourself clear your mind or morn peacefully.
Big hugs to you Tony
dirtdiva
Tony, I feel for you, really. but why are you still with your wife...you need to break away and move on.
Ricky
Ricky1
Tony, have you sought out professional help for yourself? I know your wife won't go, but you both need it. If she won't get help, then you need to get some for yourself.
Your wife was physically beating you, and when she realized she couldn't hurt you physically, she began to try to hurt you verbally by telling you how inadequate you are. Things have reached a breaking point. Without professional intervention, this can't continue.
FrankTheGreat