TonyRay's Journal

Well she's gone ... off on her crazy spur of the moment mid life crisis trip to LA to meet her dream actor ... I thought I would be relieved ... especially after the tense day here ... she was carefree and happy about leaving ... talking on the phone all night or on the computer and ignoring me.  I asked her over and over again to spend a bit of time with me ... to spend a bit of time with the kids but I got nothing.  She took a nap and told me to wake her up at 1am ... so I spent the night getting the Easter baskets ready and hid the eggs.  Usually she and I did this ... I thought about not waking her but knew she would be upset ... anyway her parents are enabling her again.  They took her to the airport and gave her a few hundred dollars more.  Instead of teaching her what real life is about and letting her do this insanity on her own they once again keep letting her get out the easy way.  She has never been able to hold down a real job because they keep giving her a pass ... I kept doing that too ... now she is having a midlife crisis and off chasing a hollywood actor in LA and they keep feeding that ... its not good ... don't they see that.  Doesn't anyone see the damage that this is doing to the kids ... not having mommy there for Easter.  I do ... but my worries and my thoughts just get pushed off as usual.  When I woke her up I was running my fingers through her hair ... and she pushed my hand away and said stop that your irritating me ... always touching me ... I said "I love you and I am worried about you ... I want you to be safe ... and I am going to miss you".  She just ignored me ... so I went to bed and mumbled under my breath "don't come back" ... because it hurts to much to keep getting pushed away like that ... I laid in bed for an hour until just before she was leaving tossing and turning ... feeling bad about what I said and feeling bad that I didn't see her off ... that I didn't say goodbye and give her a kiss and tell her I loved her.  It also deep down bothered me that she didn't even go to me and say goodbye ... I came out of the room and she was gone ... I cried ... I cant stop crying ... I don't know why ... in the back of my head I thought today that I wish her plane went down ... that I wish she would die and this pain would go away ... that I could remember her for who she was before her mid life crisis ... before this insanity.  When I didn't have to read the things she said to some other guy online that she met a few weeks ago ... and how she can easily say "love and cuddles" to that guy but not even a simple "I love you" to her husband when she is going on a plane and we may never see each other again ... I don't understand how someone can detach so quickly and so much after 20 years and three children ...