Journal

One day I dream that I will be living in a nice home. I already live in a nice home, one that I made an intention to be ours. It overlooks the park, we fought hard to attain it and make it comfortable to live in. I'm still not happy in it though, because my relationship makes me sad. It fills the rooms with rows and disharmony, and it taints my existence in my happy dream house. Half my days I imagine where else I could go.

So to escape the feelings of imprisonment - I dream of an escape.

Sometimes I get on a flight to Australia, far far far away from him. My son and I have all that we need and arrive in a lovely warm climate. But when I get there I feel a little lost, no family or friends, and nowhere to live. I'm a little scared of that dream because it isnt yet secure..so I move onto..

Another dream, again, its quite a way from here - from him. I need to be out of reach, so he can't interfere with my peace of mind. I dream of a small place in a rural, countryside town, quite remote, but my car will take us to see friends and family. We need that, we need fun and hugs - a lot while we heal and rebuild. There we find a cute school for my son (I hate the one he's at here too so another good reason to move). In my dream he makes new friends and he is so much happier there. He will miss Daddy, but I will support him, and know that it will be the best for all of us. We can get a pet dog, he will love that, and being out of the city is ideal for dog walks and adventures.

Eventually, when I get my confidence back I might start thinking about building a career, getting a job and earning some money so we can have nice things again. I cant imagine ever allowing another man into my life. I cant imagine ever being able to trust another man. That doesnt bother me, if we are safe and happy in our little house.