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MrsMisha 
2:14pm, July 10, 2009
I sang in my car this morning. Belting out songs I can sing to. And it hit me... I am me again. I am finally HAPPY. I have been walking during work twice a day, and then walking the dog when i get home. I have SO much energy that irs unbelievable. I went to bed at 1:30am last night and got up around 6am feeling sooo refreshed. Like i had got all the sleep that i needed! I feel like i have been oversleeping most of my life! It's just amazing... the medicine is working. I see my therapist tomorrow and i am so excited to go in and tell her how great i feel. I have lost 9 pounds officially, so i am REALLY excited about that. It's almost pushing me towards my goal so much faster! I am hoping to be in the 130's next week. That is my goal at least :) I am still totally engrossed in Twilight. I know.. i am SUCH a teener bopper... it's crazy. I keep reading the books and engrossing myself in music. When i get home, I want to write and write poetry. I want to paint and express myself. I want to exercise and watch movies. It's almost like i feel i have so much more time in the world! I dont remember the last time i felt like i could take on the world. I feel confident. At work and within myself. All it took was 150mg of Wellbutrin and 10mg of Celexa a day to do it hahah!
FINALLY!!! I have moved from the darkness into the SUN!
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I dig my toes into the white sandAs the cool sticky breeze hits my faceSea salt and fresh air fill my lungsThe warmth of the sun hits my skinAnd I lean against the palm treeMy eyes close and I hear my heart beatingThe blood filling and clearing with each pumpTwo pumps, I can feel themI hear the seagull’s wings flapping in the windCawing and drifting through the airThe ocean waves break and roar to the shoreI count my heart beats… and take deep breathesOne…Two… Three…There’s a crunching of sand under a footI snap my eyes open and suck in a breathThere’s no one thereThe waves roar some more, so I close my eyes againA second crunch of sandThis time when I look, it is a dark cloaked figureMy throat swells up in fear as I stare in horrorHe drifts towards me, a dark cloudThen I can see his eyes…A deep demonic redAnd I scream in terror
Friday night Johnny made the comment, ‘it must be really boring being married to me!’ over the phone. I asked, ‘why?’ and he responded with, ‘because we don’t do anything! We sit at home each weekend and work.’ Well, I was impressed with myself. The medication allows me to think before I speak. So, I kept quiet. I don’t want to lie to him to make him feel better, but I also didn’t want to tell him how I felt because he would be upset. So, I didn’t say anything. He was upset and irritated at the end of the phone conversation. When I got home, we didn’t talk about it. I ended up reading Twilight until 3am that night. I took some time to ‘meditate’ and try to contact my spirit guide, asking for the strength to give more to Johnny. He has been so supportive and he needs my love. I was crying by the end. Seeing that I really need to let go and give more to Johnny. I went to bed when his alarm went off for him to go to work! Saturday afternoon, we were cuddling on the couch when he brought up going out that night. Naturally, I was all for it. I never bring it up because I am afraid of being turned down, and he never brings it up, so I was VERY excited and gave him a hug. He said that bothered him. But that night, I got myself all dolled up and we went out to Livermore. We went to Bruno’s for dinner and talked for awhile. We both have agreed to ‘Work to Live’ as we called it. We are happy with each other more then needing expensive homes and cars, the materialistic items. He made me laugh a bunch. Then we headed to the Good Time’s Tavern for some drinks. We took a Jaeger bomb shot together which reminded me of the days we first met! It was so much fun J We stayed out for a bit then headed back home, where we listened to Everything I do, I do it for you, and Open Arms and we slow danced together. It was very romantic. I felt like I was falling love all over again! The next day we slept in and met up with Mike and Missy (and Avery!) and got Chinese food for lunch. Talked a bunch and headed out to the wine festival. We bought an Italian music CD that we could dance to at home or eat dinner to. And then we stumbled across some necklaces. We bought two that connect together. A heart of roses with two swords. We each have our own half. I love it! Then we went home and relaxed. I was happy with how we interacted this weekend. Calm and collective. We need to not be so sensitive to each other, or serious. We need to have more fun and act ‘our age’ as I say it. The only responsibilities we have are the dog and bills. We should be able to take off and go on a hike together, or have movie nights or dinner with friends. I found that for me, it made me TRULY happy. I have been feeling like me recently. Discovering myself more then I ever have! I am back to reading, expressing myself through writing and poetry, painting and sketching. I am feeling so much better that it’s incredible! I don’t need as much sleep and I am wanting to go do active things again. Twilight has helped me dive into a world of fantasy. The way the characters interact with eachother amazes me. Of course, the book is written coming from Bella’s mind, so her character intrigues me. She is so selfless and worried about everyone around her, careful with choosing her words so as not to hurt people. Clumsy but graceful in her own way. She reminds me of the true me deep down. Insecure and looking at Edward like she doesn’t deserve him. How is this real? Edward reminds me of Johnny in a lot of ways as well. With his deep love for Bella, seeing her as truly beautiful and wanting to protect her. Trying to do what is best for her, so he thinks letting her be human and LEAVE will be the best thing for her, like he’s not good enough for her… it’s just a beautiful story. Two opposites, deeply in love with each other, almost more deep them Romeo and Juliet. Its beautiful. Johnny did compare us to Mike and Missy as well. I thought he had a good point. Missy is the clean quiet one (Johnny) and Mike is the messy outgoing type (me). Complete opposites, but it works. I think Johnny and I are getting on the right page of things for life. Communication and devotion to each other. A mutual understanding of each other and that sometimes, we can be grumpy and it’s not the others person’s fault, to let things go. Don’t be so defensive. I think it is getting better J
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Hey Misha,
Wow I'm so happy for you sweetheart!!! It really is awesome when you reach that "Place' where you realize, "Oh my God I feel like my old self, I feel good!" I'm so happy that you've made it to the "Other Side"! Enjoy every moment and don't waste one minute okay? When you're in you're car keep singing your heart out too! I get a lot of strange looks when I'm singing in the car but who cares what everybody else thinks. They don't know how good you feel so go girl!!! It's fantastic that you're meds are working so well also! That's such a huge hurdle sometimes. Take care and God Bless you love. Keep up the good work eh!
Big Hugs, Chris
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Thanks Chris!
MrsMisha
Hi,
Good for you ! I was wondering when you started to feel better because I was on generic wellbutrin for three weeks and was tired and hungry all the time so I switched to the name brand a week and a half ago. For the past three days I have taken 300xl, I do fell calmer but still tired during the day and waking up all night long. Also how long did it take you to lose the 9 lbs? Reeg
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