snowpea09's Journal

Today was awful!  I woke up an hour early and though why not get today off with a good start.  I took a shower, and spent some time in chat on here, then got ready to go to my program.  I should have stayed home!  Everyone in group was just pissing me off.  I didn't want to talk, or participate in the paperwork, or do anything.  I realised about a hour in I failed to take my morning medication.  During the second hour of group I voiced my frustration and got asked if I wanted to leave for the day.  I took that as a insult.  Like hello this is what I'm freaking here for and you want me to leave?!  I also figured by third hour I would feel a little better because the group divides and there would be less people around to piss me off.  NOPE!  I couldn't focus or pay attention, I kept dwelling in my anger.  Then I got asked a question I didn't understand and the damn counslor wouldn't reask it.  He said I should have been listening.  I WAS!  I'm simply having a bad day.  Bout five minutes later I thought for sure I was gonna lose it.  I was feeling violent and had the over wellming urdge to go home find a razor and just cut and cut til I couldn't cut anymore.  So I grabbed my bag stood up not saying a work threw the chair I was in and walked out.  I left. 

Though I knew getting in the car would'nt be the smart thing to do, I txted my friend in group and said I was gonna wait in the hospital lobby and have lunch before I left for the day.  By then I was calm enough to drive rationally. 

But I'm a very angry person, this is one of my major problems Anger Managment.  I have days where I hate the world and just don't have tolerance.  Maybe if my meds were in my system it might not have been so bad, but who knows.  Maybe it was just one of those days.  I'm slightly embarrased and might not go tomorrow.  I only have to be there 4 days a week.  I don't know if using tomorrow for my free day will help though.  That will leave me home all day with the kid and I might lose my mind.  AUGH!!!!  I don't want life to be like this anymore.  I hate this!  I hope to god tomorrow is a better day.  Doesn't have to be perfect and cheery just better.