Journal

3/19/09

Well after 5 weekes in my out patient program I graduated yesterday!  At first I was begging my case manager to let me stay for a few more days but I began to realise I had done some positive changes over the past few weeks and can continue my progress out side with my doctor and get my ass a therapist.  So over all I'm feeling pretty good about the time spent there.

Secondly, Miguel, my fiance' for those who don't know and I shared our one year anniversary yesterday.  So it was a pretty eventful day over all.  We went out to dinner wich kindda sucked cause we went to China Buffet and they didn't have the green beans me and paige like so much, so neither one of us ate much.  At least Migule did.  This has been one hell of a year though.  We started off so strong, but then when I lost my job I fell apart.  Being at home and doing nothing all the time and having paige drive me nuts all day took its toll on me.  In walks my depression and I started taking it out on migule, thus making our relationship hell for the past 6 months or so.

On to a happier topic....I got a JOB!!!  I took paige to a birthday party last weekend and thought maybe this place is hiring.  So I asked out host and she pointed me in the direction of the owner of the place.  I told him a little about myself and experience related to the job position and was hired on the spot!  Wow, finally I caught the break I been looking for since freakin August!  So I am excited, and full of anxiety all in one big ball.  I'm not sure I was prepared to have him just hire me then and there.  I feel like I have so much to do in order to prepare.  I have to make arrange ments for paige until I can get her into a preschool.  I called one today and set up a tour to see it on Monday.  And it's on my way to work so that is helpful.  I feel I can do this is I dont over annalize.  This place opened up 20 months ago, so I hope to climb my way to the top.  I am a great team member and a good manager, so wherever they put me I think I'll succeed.

Thats it for now. 

Today was awful!  I woke up an hour early and though why not get today off with a good start.  I took a shower, and spent some time in chat on here, then got ready to go to my program.  I should have stayed home!  Everyone in group was just pissing me off.  I didn't want to talk, or participate in the paperwork, or do anything.  I realised about a hour in I failed to take my morning medication.  During the second hour of group I voiced my frustration and got asked if I wanted to leave for the day.  I took that as a insult.  Like hello this is what I'm freaking here for and you want me to leave?!  I also figured by third hour I would feel a little better because the group divides and there would be less people around to piss me off.  NOPE!  I couldn't focus or pay attention, I kept dwelling in my anger.  Then I got asked a question I didn't understand and the damn counslor wouldn't reask it.  He said I should have been listening.  I WAS!  I'm simply having a bad day.  Bout five minutes later I thought for sure I was gonna lose it.  I was feeling violent and had the over wellming urdge to go home find a razor and just cut and cut til I couldn't cut anymore.  So I grabbed my bag stood up not saying a work threw the chair I was in and walked out.  I left. 

Though I knew getting in the car would'nt be the smart thing to do, I txted my friend in group and said I was gonna wait in the hospital lobby and have lunch before I left for the day.  By then I was calm enough to drive rationally. 

But I'm a very angry person, this is one of my major problems Anger Managment.  I have days where I hate the world and just don't have tolerance.  Maybe if my meds were in my system it might not have been so bad, but who knows.  Maybe it was just one of those days.  I'm slightly embarrased and might not go tomorrow.  I only have to be there 4 days a week.  I don't know if using tomorrow for my free day will help though.  That will leave me home all day with the kid and I might lose my mind.  AUGH!!!!  I don't want life to be like this anymore.  I hate this!  I hope to god tomorrow is a better day.  Doesn't have to be perfect and cheery just better.

I don't know why it is I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore.  Even in my own home I feel uncomfortable.  The littlest things make me either anxious or upset.  I feel alone most of the time. 

I take comfort in going to the outpatient program my doctor suggested, however what am I gonna do when they release me from that.  I was trying so hard to get a job and pull my shit together so my daily routine would at least be something.  But that has become more of a challenge than a simplicity.  I can't put paige in preschool until I have a job and I can't get a job with out her in school.  So what in the world am I supposed to do?! 

My body and my brain aren't working well together anymore.  I can't concentrate on even simple things.  How I'm gonna get through the big things is gonna be a wild ride.  I gotta find something worth holding on to fast and stick with it.  I'm numb and running out of fuel.