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Lavender1 
10:27pm, August 8, 2009
I was just patting myself on the back for surviving with no urges but tonight I went downtown with my friend to an art event and realized that what I really wanted to do was go to the bar and drink and gamble...but I won't. And my friend and I were going to go to the movies, but when we got out of the car, he kicked my keys out of my hand, when I bent over to pick them up, he kicked me again (he was being playful, I guess, and I was getting irritated) so I said, stop it cuz if you kick me again and he did (still playful and he didn't really kick me he just pretended) but I got mad and turned around and came home.
And now I feel like a jerk cuz I was really mostly upset about a bunch of other stuff that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my urges to gamble, and I even told him that and how much I wanted to go to the movies instead, but now I really just want to go to bed and bury my head under my pillow and sleep this urge away...
geez, and now I don't know if I apologize whether it would make any difference.
Sigh,
I'm tired.
lavender
Comments
I stopped drinking over 11 years ago.
I stopped gambling over 2 years ago.
Now, if you ask me if my alcoholism and my compulsive gambling are all over,? if I'm "cured"?, if I no longer have any urges?, if I no longer need to keep in touch with my recovery?, if I can assume that I'm totally safe?......well, the honest answer would be........ "I didn't drink or gamble today, tomorrow remains in doubt.".
Many times during the course of my recovery I thought that "I'm ok now" or "I've got it back under control" or, "Iwon't drink, I'll just have some drugs", or "I'll just bet a little bit", or "I don't need those meetings anymore".......... without fail, I'd feed my addictions again and without fail it would go out of control, and without fail it would get worse than it was when I started out.
I am an addict. I cannot drink, drug, or gamble as many other people can. For me, it is an uncontrollable addiction that I cannot handle without a program of recovery that I remember to keep in constant touch with. Once I start, I cannot stop.
I cannot stop on my own. Every time I have tried it has resulted in failure.
My disease, I have learned, is emotional in nature. I do not deal well with many factors of my emotional health. I often fed my addictions in order to "hide" or to "avoid" my uncomfortable emotions. Without my addictions acting as my "mask", I now must deal with my emotions up close and personal in the real world. Often, I am not so good at doing this. I needed to learn new coping skills and new strategies for dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
First, I stopped drinking, I couldn't do ANYTHING right as long as I was still drunk.
Next, I got to a 12 step meeting. There, I learned how to develop some of those "new coping skills"
Eventually, I found a way to stop gambling also.
We all are different, we all walk a different path........ but one thing is constant for all of us; It took years for us to learn how to become alcoholics, addicts and compulsive gamblers. We didn't develop these habits overnight. Likewise, it will take years for us to learn how to change ourselves into people who no longer suffer from the effects of our disease. There is no `magic bullet`. We don`t recover in a few weeks.
You know, Lavender, tonight you actually did really well. You were hurt and angry and you felt like drinking and gambling. Instead, you ran to your `safe place``, home. It would have been so easy to justify going to the bar instead. You did not drink. You did not gamble. You did the best you could do.
Keep up the good work.
eastwester
Lav, I so agree with EW's statement about "fed my addictions in order to 'hide' or to 'avoid' my uncomfortable emotions."
Until in recovery I do not think most addicts could admit to that. I didn't until I was clean and on the road less traveled (recovery) with my HP.
My addiction started when I was 12... looking back, it was because I did want to hide because of being self conscience, a personality complex, my weight, not having a family that encouraged/embraced me or taught me that as a human/young woman I was valuable and/or had worth. I did not feel loved. So I connected to things early in life to escape, to fit it, to be accepted.
Of course, I denied all of this thru my life as an addict, "I don't have a problem, it's my life, I'm not hurting anyone, I'll do what I want, and go where I want to go."
Wrong!
I ended up over and over connecting with people who were addicts and had no concept of value or having worth. We were all in one pit together, self destructing.
When I re-read your je, it hit me that your friend who "playfully" kicked your keys out of your hand should have been the one to bend down and pick those up for YOU and say "oh, I am so sorry." But, it seems from your je that the mere act of kicking them out of your hands was so you would bend over and pick them up, so a kick to the rump could be applied. Hmmm, why did he figure you would be the one to pick them up??
You should have been upset. I do not call that behavior 'playful.' I call it demeaning and disrespectful. It was rude and childish.
An appropriate apology from you would be "Forgive me for not giving YOU the honor of picking up those keys for ME." After all, you are the lady.
Respect. Worth. Healthy attachments with people who value you. That is all part of recovery, and being able to recover with joy. Thus, the 12-step meetings so often referred to by EW.
One test passed. Home. Place of safety. Free. Walk high my friend. You have value. You are worth it.
xxoo - debs
JordansMomDebby
Well, you should pat yourself on the back for not giving in to your urge! That is a hard thing to do, not give in... I'm glad you stayed strong! WTG... As for your friend, I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. Sometimes people just don't know when to stop.... I wouldn't worry about saying your sorry, I would probably just let it go. Peace and Love. Patty
mrsfroggie
Hi Lavender, I don't even know what to say...that's a new one for me, eh? I'm battling the urge to smoke, day 4. You had an urge to gamble, when you thought you were surviving just fine without them. It happens, and you dealt with it just perfectly! Be proud. On to bigger and better things! Love ya'
Moyer
Just wanted to say good job on going home instead of saying f* it and giving in.
Feedtherightwolf
Congratulations on going home. One question. Does this person often do teasing/mean things to you and/or others? If he does it to other people as well, then it appears he has a problem. If he only does it to you, you need to look at what makes him think you will remain a compliant victim. Sounds like you need other friends.
PTSDwidow