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Lavender1 
10:27pm, August 8, 2009
I guess I only think about gambling when I come here which is why I don't visit you all anymore so don't take it personally. Haven't been gambling since I quit for real (is that two months? can hardly remember, once I crossed the 30 day mark I knew I was gonna be allright.)
Last I wrote I had visited the Shakespearean Festival in Utah. Was Matron of Honor in a wedding in Wisconsin on Saturday, Sept 5.
I'm stage managing a play, The Bluest Eye, which goes up Saturday, Sept 26. I'm very excited. In November I may be directing one myself! Life goes forward!
I'm off to Utah again for the Fall Festival in October. They have a great event called the High School Shakes Competition and many of my old friends will be there as judges and such, so it should be a great weekend.
My son's birthday is tomorrow so I'll be busy. And another friend of mine is performing this weekend in the Las Vegas Culturefest so I'll be downtown all day Sunday.
It's been great having the opportunity to meet you all and enjoy your support as I
'freed' myself from the monster. I wish you all the very best in your recovery.
Should I ever get 'compelling urges' again, I know where you all are. Or others like you who will...
Blessings!
UPDATED GOALS
Gamble Free
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 0
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Home from a quick trip to the Utah Shakespearean Festival and SUU from where I earned my Masters Degree. Had a BLAST! Going on a weekday was great because I got to see EVERYBODY!. They all work M-F, 9-5, so I spent the time inbetween shows visiting and hanging out and having lunch and just enjoying myself. It was great fun.
Last night, after I got back from Utah, I went with my friend (we obviously got over it) to see GI Joe. It was entertaining. Lots of action.
I have rehearsal tonight. Haven't even thought about gambling until I come here to write that I am doing well and totally gamble free. DS was a Godsend.
Blessings to you all!
Lavender
UPDATED GOALS
Gamble Free
Progress 15%
Encouragements: 0
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DS was a Godsend, for me, too :) I'm so happy you had a good time in Utah, I'm itching to get away from it all, for a while. There's so many places to go, and not enough weekends! lol Day # 10 without a puff...and no gambling today either. Life is good :) Blessings to you, too, my Lavender friend , love, rosy red robin!
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Great to see that you had a good time! Yes, there are many other ways to spend our time that doesn't involve gambling. DS and all the wonderful people here are angels for me as well. Have a great day. Gretchen.
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Congrats Lav glad to see you are doing so good. Today is 120 days gamble free with GA. It has gone by really fast.
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So happy for you that you are enjoying life so much..and you seem to be in your element!!
Glad you and your friend made up :-)
hugs, Dianne
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I'm so glad you and your friend made up. I think that is part of being a true friend... you do stupid stuff to each other and the next it's all forgotten. I'm so proud of you! You are doing so well and enjoying a gamble free life! It's amazing isn't it? Peace and Love, Patty
I was just patting myself on the back for surviving with no urges but tonight I went downtown with my friend to an art event and realized that what I really wanted to do was go to the bar and drink and gamble...but I won't. And my friend and I were going to go to the movies, but when we got out of the car, he kicked my keys out of my hand, when I bent over to pick them up, he kicked me again (he was being playful, I guess, and I was getting irritated) so I said, stop it cuz if you kick me again and he did (still playful and he didn't really kick me he just pretended) but I got mad and turned around and came home.
And now I feel like a jerk cuz I was really mostly upset about a bunch of other stuff that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my urges to gamble, and I even told him that and how much I wanted to go to the movies instead, but now I really just want to go to bed and bury my head under my pillow and sleep this urge away...
geez, and now I don't know if I apologize whether it would make any difference.
Sigh,
I'm tired.
lavender
Comments
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I stopped drinking over 11 years ago.
I stopped gambling over 2 years ago.
Now, if you ask me if my alcoholism and my compulsive gambling are all over,? if I'm "cured"?, if I no longer have any urges?, if I no longer need to keep in touch with my recovery?, if I can assume that I'm totally safe?......well, the honest answer would be........ "I didn't drink or gamble today, tomorrow remains in doubt.".
Many times during the course of my recovery I thought that "I'm ok now" or "I've got it back under control" or, "Iwon't drink, I'll just have some drugs", or "I'll just bet a little bit", or "I don't need those meetings anymore".......... without fail, I'd feed my addictions again and without fail it would go out of control, and without fail it would get worse than it was when I started out.
I am an addict. I cannot drink, drug, or gamble as many other people can. For me, it is an uncontrollable addiction that I cannot handle without a program of recovery that I remember to keep in constant touch with. Once I start, I cannot stop.
I cannot stop on my own. Every time I have tried it has resulted in failure.
My disease, I have learned, is emotional in nature. I do not deal well with many factors of my emotional health. I often fed my addictions in order to "hide" or to "avoid" my uncomfortable emotions. Without my addictions acting as my "mask", I now must deal with my emotions up close and personal in the real world. Often, I am not so good at doing this. I needed to learn new coping skills and new strategies for dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
First, I stopped drinking, I couldn't do ANYTHING right as long as I was still drunk.
Next, I got to a 12 step meeting. There, I learned how to develop some of those "new coping skills"
Eventually, I found a way to stop gambling also.
We all are different, we all walk a different path........ but one thing is constant for all of us; It took years for us to learn how to become alcoholics, addicts and compulsive gamblers. We didn't develop these habits overnight. Likewise, it will take years for us to learn how to change ourselves into people who no longer suffer from the effects of our disease. There is no `magic bullet`. We don`t recover in a few weeks.
You know, Lavender, tonight you actually did really well. You were hurt and angry and you felt like drinking and gambling. Instead, you ran to your `safe place``, home. It would have been so easy to justify going to the bar instead. You did not drink. You did not gamble. You did the best you could do.
Keep up the good work.
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Lav, I so agree with EW's statement about "fed my addictions in order to 'hide' or to 'avoid' my uncomfortable emotions."
Until in recovery I do not think most addicts could admit to that. I didn't until I was clean and on the road less traveled (recovery) with my HP.
My addiction started when I was 12... looking back, it was because I did want to hide because of being self conscience, a personality complex, my weight, not having a family that encouraged/embraced me or taught me that as a human/young woman I was valuable and/or had worth. I did not feel loved. So I connected to things early in life to escape, to fit it, to be accepted.
Of course, I denied all of this thru my life as an addict, "I don't have a problem, it's my life, I'm not hurting anyone, I'll do what I want, and go where I want to go."
Wrong!
I ended up over and over connecting with people who were addicts and had no concept of value or having worth. We were all in one pit together, self destructing.
When I re-read your je, it hit me that your friend who "playfully" kicked your keys out of your hand should have been the one to bend down and pick those up for YOU and say "oh, I am so sorry." But, it seems from your je that the mere act of kicking them out of your hands was so you would bend over and pick them up, so a kick to the rump could be applied. Hmmm, why did he figure you would be the one to pick them up??
You should have been upset. I do not call that behavior 'playful.' I call it demeaning and disrespectful. It was rude and childish.
An appropriate apology from you would be "Forgive me for not giving YOU the honor of picking up those keys for ME." After all, you are the lady.
Respect. Worth. Healthy attachments with people who value you. That is all part of recovery, and being able to recover with joy. Thus, the 12-step meetings so often referred to by EW.
One test passed. Home. Place of safety. Free. Walk high my friend. You have value. You are worth it.
xxoo - debs
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Well, you should pat yourself on the back for not giving in to your urge! That is a hard thing to do, not give in... I'm glad you stayed strong! WTG... As for your friend, I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. Sometimes people just don't know when to stop.... I wouldn't worry about saying your sorry, I would probably just let it go. Peace and Love. Patty
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Hi Lavender, I don't even know what to say...that's a new one for me, eh? I'm battling the urge to smoke, day 4. You had an urge to gamble, when you thought you were surviving just fine without them. It happens, and you dealt with it just perfectly! Be proud. On to bigger and better things! Love ya'
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Just wanted to say good job on going home instead of saying f* it and giving in.
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Congratulations on going home. One question. Does this person often do teasing/mean things to you and/or others? If he does it to other people as well, then it appears he has a problem. If he only does it to you, you need to look at what makes him think you will remain a compliant victim. Sounds like you need other friends.
Past Entries
Goal Updated
I'm Happy you are doing so well, we will miss you.
Hugs Steph
Steph55
glad to hear everything is going so well for you. I will miss you.
marync
I'm so so proud of you! You have done so well. You are such a busy person, that is great! I'm so glad you are enjoying the things you love to do. We will miss you, but you know where we are if you ever need us. Peace and Love. Patty
mrsfroggie
So glad you are doing so well! I hope you will stop in from time to time to let us know how you are and what interesting things you are up to (you always seem to be up to interesting things LOL)!
Hugs, Dianne
DianneE
Glad that life is giving you boquets...don't stay away all the time...we will miss you.
Best wishes
Mary
serenityseeker