starrbright's Journal

I told him I needed a grand gesture.  He's not delivering.  Why do I keep getting sucked into this?  I'm suspicious...yesterday afternoon for about 20 minutes he disabled the Net Nanny.  What was he doing?  Was his mood any different last night?  He complained of being tired, but that's pretty normal.  He was quiet, but again that's not so unusual, especially for us. There was a suspicious email link, sharethis.com...are we back to secret emails again?  

I just don't think I can do it.  I cannot put myself out there again.  I guess I will secretly continue to put the finances in order and prepare my exit.  I hate to do it to the kids...and T will be at such a vulnerable age...this may very well throw her off track and in high school, no less.  Do I owe it to them to stay?  I've worked with so many kids...not all of them manage to get back on track after a traumatic event.  I managed to, but it took me 5 years and cost me a college scholarship and a lot of self-respect.  B1 is so stoic, no idea what will happen with her but scared because she's the impulsive, wild one.  B2 is a mess already and the only way for it to get any worse with him, honestly, would be for him to start breaking the law.  How awful would that be?  And who would be his probation officer?  I don't know.  I don't know if I can bring myself to leave.  Maybe it would be better to just fake it.   

And, to make matters worse...I am horny.  It's been a very long time now...just before Valentines Day and I'm dying here.  I'd always heard that women's drives went up around age 40 but I never really believed it.  It's true.  I want sex...not necessarily with him.

I hate this.  Today I hate him.  This is his fault.  He caused this.  I don't care about all the justifications, the rationalizations, the excuses.  I know, intellectually, most of what's going on with him and you know what?  Doesn't make it feel any better.   In fact, I think it makes me feel worse.  Unfortunately I'm not a very sympathetic person.  I'm a problem solver...identify the problem, identify possible solutions and fix it.  Easy as pie.  And if you aren't willing to do the work, then quit yer bitchin.  He isn't willing...but dammit, it isn't just about me.  This isn't just my life.