Journal

"Headstrong" by Trapt

Circling your, circling your, circling your head,
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I’m out
See you later
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah)
Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

 [Chorus]

Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we’re headstrong
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can’t give everything away
I won’t give everything away

Conclusions manifest, your first impressions got to be your very best
I see you’re full of shit, and that’s alright
That’s how you play, I guess you’ll get through every night
Well now that’s over
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah)
Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

 [Chorus]

I don't think I can do it.  He's trying, in his fashion.  I just really don't care enough.  The love I once felt is gone. He reads sites, but argues about every little thing.  Doesn't like one site because it's too religious, doesn't like another site because it stresses childhood trauma and he insists his parents were saints.  He hasn't posted anywhere, doesn't really talk about any of it.  I do not believe he has the emotional maturity to deal with the issue.  

I told him I don't really want to be his accountability partner and he kinda freaked.  Says he doesn't have anyone else who can do it.  So I'm stuck with it.  I hate reading those reports.  I hate this whole stupid thing.  I hate him for bringing this shit to the table. 

I love not having porn in the house and it's amazing how much time he has to do stuff now...but I don't want to repair the marriage itself.  I want to keep it where it is...co-parenting and family management.  One day I'll have to tell him and that day is going to suck ass.

I told him I needed a grand gesture.  He's not delivering.  Why do I keep getting sucked into this?  I'm suspicious...yesterday afternoon for about 20 minutes he disabled the Net Nanny.  What was he doing?  Was his mood any different last night?  He complained of being tired, but that's pretty normal.  He was quiet, but again that's not so unusual, especially for us. There was a suspicious email link, sharethis.com...are we back to secret emails again?  

I just don't think I can do it.  I cannot put myself out there again.  I guess I will secretly continue to put the finances in order and prepare my exit.  I hate to do it to the kids...and T will be at such a vulnerable age...this may very well throw her off track and in high school, no less.  Do I owe it to them to stay?  I've worked with so many kids...not all of them manage to get back on track after a traumatic event.  I managed to, but it took me 5 years and cost me a college scholarship and a lot of self-respect.  B1 is so stoic, no idea what will happen with her but scared because she's the impulsive, wild one.  B2 is a mess already and the only way for it to get any worse with him, honestly, would be for him to start breaking the law.  How awful would that be?  And who would be his probation officer?  I don't know.  I don't know if I can bring myself to leave.  Maybe it would be better to just fake it.   

And, to make matters worse...I am horny.  It's been a very long time now...just before Valentines Day and I'm dying here.  I'd always heard that women's drives went up around age 40 but I never really believed it.  It's true.  I want sex...not necessarily with him.

I hate this.  Today I hate him.  This is his fault.  He caused this.  I don't care about all the justifications, the rationalizations, the excuses.  I know, intellectually, most of what's going on with him and you know what?  Doesn't make it feel any better.   In fact, I think it makes me feel worse.  Unfortunately I'm not a very sympathetic person.  I'm a problem solver...identify the problem, identify possible solutions and fix it.  Easy as pie.  And if you aren't willing to do the work, then quit yer bitchin.  He isn't willing...but dammit, it isn't just about me.  This isn't just my life.