Journal

About 3 years ago i met someone online called Joe on a local chat room, he didn't live too far away from me. At the time I was engaged but the friendship was never an issue as Simon sometimes spoke to joe himself, we became good friends and when Simon began working away joe was company online on a night when alone with the kids. He never once asked me out on a date as he knew how much simon and I loved eachother.

As things happen he had some issues with his ex wife around this time last year and became very depressed over a number of weeks...leading to one night I had a girl friend over for a drink and Joe was online slurring his words and not making any sense at all. Eventually told me he'd taken his box of anti depressants, pain killers washed down with a bottle of vodka and then disappeared offline.

I had no idea what to do so i called the police and told them his name and all i knew was the area where he lived,they looked him up and called me back 4 hours later to tell me that they had broken the front door down as he was lying unconsious on the living room floor. They couldn't tell me about his condition-even alive or dead but thanked me for my help.

The next week i had no clue what had happened but was relieved when he eventually came back online. After a stay in hospital and home visits from a cpn for 2 weeks and therapy he was pretty much back to the 'old Joe'. Our friendship grew stronger from this, and it was only friendship.

My marriage broken down last August and he has been my rock really. He since asked if we could go on a date because he loved me. I agreed but since I don't want the kids to have to deal with Mam dating just yet and his comitments our paths have not yet crossed.

My ED and depression has since got so much worse and don't want to cross my front door if i can help it, so dating is not even an option and he said he understood. But reasured him that I was looking forward to meeying him but I was just in a bad place now...it was just a postponment thats all.

He has been somewhat quiet lately but he said he would give me some space if its what i needed/wanted. Spoke last night nothing out of the ordinary.

Anyway I got a text message this morning just after 10 saying...'love you xxx see ya xxx '

Not having a clue what was ment by this and from past events was worried what it could mean so i've text back, tried to ring...since sent email tried to IM but nothing.........

Im so worried about him,what if he's done something stupid ??

What if he has and i was so wrapped up in my own depression didn't spot that he was ill again ??

 God I feel sick ...I don't know what to do, i would drive over his house if i had an address. I called the police in his village but can't even look into it as theres no real alarm...they don't know joe. This is not like him...