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Burntsapphire 
2:48pm, November 3, 2009
YEAH for CHRIS!!! He found my report. I had sent it to him during a chat session! And he is going to shrink the "art" project I did with the report so I can post it. :) So here is the actual journal, report, etc...
We are expected to know what we want to do with the rest of our lives prior to graduating high school. Finding your identity when you are a teenager is hard enough. When you add trauma and chaos to it, finding your own path may feel impossible. Everyone should have a passion and desire for something. Some people just seem to know what they want and have a plan to get there. To top it off, many of my friends actually accomplished their goals. I do not believe their lives and goals were just handed to them. I watched them struggle and work but in the end, their goals were met. This is the complete opposite of my life. I never knew what goal to have let alone how to create a path to accomplish it. So what is my problem with my identity? I am not sure I have ever had one; at least not a true one. I feel like I have always been a chameleon – changing my style, humor, taste, etc… just to fit into the current group. You let down just enough guards to appear likeable and vulnerable but you maintain enough distance that no one realizes that all they ever get is just a surface view of you. And even that view was more of a reflection of the person looking rather than a true glimpse of me. I grew up in a confusing set of circumstances. I always believed my needs were met. I thought that I was protected, provided for, and loved. I had good friends and a somewhat close family. Four sisters and only one bathroom created a close family whether you liked it or not. But there is always an undercurrent to any given situation. A snake is always hiding and ready to strike. Pain, suffering, and fear entered my life when I was eight or nine years old. Yes the typical dysfunction of every family already existed. Mom and dad fought. Finances were tight. Power struggles, anger, sibling rivalry, and more ran rampant. Even with all of this, I felt that I knew my family loved each other and in fact we are still close to this day. I think that I could have survived this dysfunction with the normal coping skills if it had not been for the snake that took a bite out of my family. I think the poison still courses in my veins today. On top of the evil that infiltrated my home, someone was always moving in or out with their family. I was constantly shifted to other rooms and other roles in the family. Since my dad traveled and my mom worked full time, I often had to take on the role of half parent and half child. This required a lot of the responsibility and none of the authority. I became a ghost to avoid the conflicts that existed in the chaos of the house and yet due to my personality I felt like I was always screaming for attention. Going from a somewhat strict house to the total freedom of the dorms at the University of Oklahoma caused a major identity crisis. I no longer had teachers, schedules, church activities, or the responsibilities at home to define my life for me. I had no idea what was expected of me or even what I wanted to do. I still chose not to drink, do drugs, or the normal areas that cause trouble for freshmen. I tried to go to class but it just never worked out for me. I could not find a motivation to succeed at anything. I was adrift and had no idea which direction I should or even wanted to go. I got married at age twenty-one because I fell in love and I thought that was what you were supposed to do. I tried to figure out what it meant to be a wife but the role models I have had didn’t provide much support. So I worked hard at working hard. I could understand what was expected from me at work so that is what I used to define myself. Everything seemed to change when we decided to start our own family. My husband and I both believed that one parent should stay home. He had the better skill set and I wanted to actively raise my children so he kept his job and I stayed home. I felt like my mother had always been so busy and I wanted my children to know they were my priority. I finally had a goal. I wanted to be a MOM. I wanted to be homeroom parent and drive the soccer van. I actually accomplished this for a while. I was the one that other parents asked how to accomplish things. I read to my children every day. I took them to school, doctor’s appointments, the zoo and the Omniplex. I taught them, loved them, played with them and disciplined them. I was even the cool adult on the block whose house was where all the pre-teens and teenagers wanted to hang-out. I also made dinner every night, washed the clothes, and supported my husband’s career choices. Ok, so I didn’t do everything perfectly and the pregnancies were very rough. I was exhausted and the house was usually a mess. Three kids, three moves, fourteen hospital stays, and a several job changes within four years were pretty hard. But I thought I knew who I was, what was expected of me, and even what I wanted. Then that was all taken from me. My husband left me and took the kids. I was so lost. If your entire life is dedicated to taking care of the children and your husband, what you do in the morning when there is no one home? Prior to him leaving, I rarely had the ability to go to the bathroom by myself and now there is no one and nothing demanding my time. After the initial shock I also realize that I had not really thought for myself for quite a while. I did not know what television shows I liked. I had always had to watch either the shows my husband liked or else ones appropriate for my children. I did not even know what food I enjoyed. My husband had been such a picky eater that all meals were catered to his tastes. Since I had no real concept of my own identity going into the marriage, it was easy to just adapt to his wants and needs. Obviously I was depressed about my marriage failing but the reality is that I was relieved by it. Things had not been well for a while and it was obvious they would only continue to deteriorate. The real depression was due to the fact that I had no idea who I was or what I was supposed to be or do. Friends and family thought that I had always been so put together. I received the “optimist award” at camp. My mother said I was always so happy-go-lucky. My husband said I was controlling and everything had to be my way. How could all of these things be true when I felt like I was an empty vessel waiting to be pushed in the right direction? Now when I felt like I needed that push the most, no one was willing to give it. When my sister asked me what I wanted to do, the only answer I could give was, “be a mother.” I had no idea how to accomplish that if my children did not live with me anymore. I no longer had a house that I was supposed to clean and decorate. I could not be homeroom mom due to my work schedule. I was not married so I could not play the role of a wife. I did have children so I was a mother but I had no idea how to do that when all their needs were being met elsewhere. And no one seemed able to understand why I was grieving. No one could understand why I just did not see a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I was given plenty advice on how to pamper myself. I was given lots of advice on how my life would be better now without my ex-husband. But no one understood that I was lost again. I had no identity by which to define myself. It felt like I was in the movie 13 Going On 30. I was suddenly expected to be an adult and live in the adult world with no idea how I got there. I didn’t know what my life was or even what a life could be. I honestly think I am still struggling with my identity. I feel like I was never given the chance to find it. I was told what to do and how to behave growing up. My wants and dreams were secondary during my marriage. Since my divorce, the theme of my life has mostly been survival. When I try to create boundaries, I am told I am being either selfish or controlling. When I let other take the lead, I am told I am codependent or lazy. In complete contrast to those last two statements is that I really have never been one to follow the crowd or care what people think. I choose my own path but it just seems like it is always circumstantial. I want to feel like I am heading in a specific direction rather than always reacting to what life puts in front of me. I constantly grieve the loss of identity. I feel like my childhood was stolen from me. I feel like I had to grow up way too soon. I feel like my children were stolen from me. I feel like I had to change my way of being a mother way too soon. And now I feel like I am expected to be a responsible adult when all I want to do is have someone take care of me for a while. How can you find your identity in a world that won’t slow down long enough to let you breathe let alone dream? How do you find something that you are not sure you ever had in the first place?
UPDATED GOALS
