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JulesH123 
My 34th birthday is this Friday, and I am really not looking forward to it. Another year has passed, and we are still no where close to being parents. Right now, we don't even have a plan. I just don't know if I can go through IVF again. We have spent about 25K this year to try to get pregnant with no success. Just thinking about the money makes me sick to my stomach. I know that if it had actually worked I wouldn't feel this way. But since it didn't work, I feel like we just threw the money away, and we are no closer to being pregnant now than we were this time last year.
We have tried for over four years now, and I am starting to think that perhaps being parents is not what God has in store for my dh and me. I don't know what He has in store for us, but I do know that I need to turn everything over to Him. I have told myself during the past two years that we have been doing fertility treatments that if it is God's will and that it is all in His Hands. But I really don't think I turned it over completely to Him. My general nature is to be a control freak. Even though I told myself it is in God's hands, in the back of my mind, I felt like I had to be in control even though I know I wasn't. I am going to try my best during this next year to turn my life over to God, and I believe that He will lead us along the path that He feels we should go.
For now, I have my dh, a great family, wonderful friends (including my DS friends) and a good job. I am blessed and very thankful for everything I have in my life, and I can just take one day at a time.
Comments
I think that letting go and releasing the expectation is huge. I am not really there yet. I try but, I too, am a control freak. I COMPLETELY understand about the money - we are right there with you. I hope your birthday is a good one (despite all the other stuff)!
laraM
Happy early Birthday! I know it is frustrating and disappointing to know another year has passed with dealing with infertility and no success. November marks five years for us. I'm hoping that you won't give up and I think it is in gods plan for you to have children. One way or another. Hang in there.
kimmic
I understand this feeling. Birthdays are very difficult and I think it is because you hear so much about that damn clock ticking. Well, don't let yourself listen to that! I just turned 38 and I am still trying to get our babies here. 34 is still a good number and you have more time to play with. Enjoy your birthday and know that your pregnancy will happen! :)
JeanieMarie
OH I totally hear you on this. Birthdays are hard. Spending so much money is hard. This journey is hard. I hope that you have a great celebration!
AshleyPenelope
Happy early birthday! I will be turning 35 on Thursday and boy do i know how you are feeling! In fact, when i read your journal i felt that i was reading my own feelings! The only difference is all of our treatments except freezing embies and acupunture have been covered through my insurance so we feel blessed for that. I hope that all of your dreams come true for you at 34. Try to celebrate all the good in your life this year. That is what i am going to try and do. Hugs!
dogmom2
I am so sorry you are having the baby blues and birthday blues all in one big crapy feeling. I agree with everyone that God does have a plan for you and for all of us. Try to hang in there and try to have a happy birthday! I'll be thinking of you.
jcbuck