Journal

May, 27th, 2009......

Two weeks ago, my GP prescribed a drug called Gabapentin - a nerve calmant.

It is having NO effect whatsoever.

I'm now having to deal with infected burns on both calves.

Last Wednesday night was really cold, so I took my hotwater bottle to bed......

Yes, it DOES have a cover.

My left leg went into spasm, causing, first, total numbness, depriving me of feeling from hip to toes.

When the feeling returned, it did so with such excruciating pain that I couldn't move my left leg for several minutes.

The hotwater bottle was lying on my left leg, also touching my right leg.

I could feel the burns happening, but I was powerless to move either of my legs.

Consequently, I have serious burns on both calves - which are adding to my pain and general disability.

I joined this group because I was slipping back into my alcoholic ways, thanks to my never-ending pain.

I've actually been sober for only two days.

A few days ago, someone here told me I shouldn't be part of this group, because I'm using alcohol, 'only,' as a means of pain control, that I don't want to get sober.

Sure, I drink to try to find relief from the pain, but I also recognise that drinking as I am is causing problems.

I'd like to find another way to control my pain, but booze offers the quickest way to oblivion.

I am so fed up!

Day in, day out, I'm struggling against intense pain.

I don't sleep much, because being in bed is painful.

I struggle to get out of bed each morning.

I can't walk, can't function on any level of day-to-day existence without agony.

I am getting heartily sick of well-meaning do-gooders who tell me that all I need to do is to think positively and my life will improve.

It WON'T!

My condition is, at best, never going to be any better than it is now. At worst - and most likely, according to prognosis - going to degenerate.

Hard to think positively, then!

It's impossible to put into words how awful my pain is.

Suffice it to say that I have to endure it, eating into my life every day, all day.