Alybaba's Journal

I was watching a few minutes of the show ,Intervention, last night with my mom. It was about a girl who was bulimic/anorexic. As I was getting ready to leave, I told my mom, "That was me in high school." She said, "I know." My eating disorder was so destructive. I think high school was when I was pushed over the anxiety slope. It was the beginning of a life long battle. I remember the day and time I started purging. I was a freshman...just got over a serious bout of the chicken pox...had gained about 15 pounds while I was home sick. I didn't even know what bulimia was, really. I just had this compulsion to eat, and eat, and eat. And then purge, and purge, and purge. The ED was more about having just a little bit of control in my life b/c at that time, I had none. I hated my life, my body, myself. Every time I threw-up, it was like I was killing myself just a little bit more. It felt so good to punish myself like that. So good. What was I worth? Nothing. I had a secret, a huge secret, and it was all mine. It made me feel special. I lost so much weight in so little time. I looked awesome. I felt like crap. My glands were swollen, I was cold and tired all the time, I had cuts on my hand and fingers, my throat was swollen, my eyes were puffy and dark. Who cared? I didn't. the sooner death came, the happier I would be. Four years of hell. I pushed my body to the limit for four, agonizing years. Starvation. Laxatives. I did it all. Why? How could I have been so stupid. Did I want attention from my family? I don't know. All I wanted was food. And lots of it. And then I wanted to get rid of it. Nobody came to my rescue. My mom never knew. My older sisters didn't care. My spirit was shattered. My life, a mess. No more. I didn't want or need it anymore. My senior year, it served no purpose for me anymore. I stopped. I just stopped. Cold turkey. My spirit started to come back. My demon was gone. Never again...and I haven't since. It makes me sick now to think about what I did. Where my anxiety disorder started.

I told my mom last night that I am strong. I have overcome so much in my life. So, so much. More than my family knows. Some of it is still buried. A lot of it is gone. But my spirit is strong.