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trinaf 
5:55pm, March 16, 2009
the trust is slowly coming...not much choice in that really. when i feel like i can no longer trust my senses or my brain...there is only trust in god left. perhaps this is a great gift...it was just heavily disguised, as most great gifts are, they are there for us to decipher rather than just unwrap.
the acceptance is coming along in spurts and leaps, followed by more denial. i think that perhaps the denial is more of a reliance on old habbits, for eg, saying yes to an appointment because that activity is something that would have presented no problem in the past...only to realise on the day that i cant because a) i have a new baby (yes...i do seem to forget this a lot!) b) i dont have the energy or c) i cant drive due to the dizzy spells or the fatigue.
the surrender...well, i finally gave notice and denied my lecturing contract. that was a huge one. for the last seven years the uni has been like my second home, it was uni that kept me going and kept my feet on the ground during the most difficult times...uni got me thru the divorce and two pregnancies. being a lecturer was my dream come true, it is the almost perfect job, difficult, challenging, inspiring, tiring, rewarding all i one. i will miss standing in front of the class and seeing the lights go on inside their minds one by one.
so i have made some big moves toward accepting my new limitations, my new life and my new way of being. i have left the door open for new opportunities, new challenges (although everyday is a challenge now), i am making more room for our family to adjust to the new me, and for me to get to know my new self.
UPDATED GOALS
trust, accept, surrender
Progress 15%
Encouragements: 0
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ok, i retract all of the above entry...all optimists should be shot on sight! i have the flu, my three month old has the flu, as does my husband and my 4yr old.
i am tired, and sick and cranky...and none of this helps my little one to feel relaxed enough to have a sleep so that i can have a sleep....
tell me why i chose to come into this life again???
although while driving home from the chemist i realised that that feeling one has just proir to getting quite sick with a cold...the clammy, foggy headed, slightly dizzy, totally tired, just not mentally there is a good description of where i am at most days! maybe i can use this to try and describe my new reality a little more clearly. so i reckon thats a good enough outcome for one day.
i read the 'spoon theory" on the site ButYouDontLookSick.com yesterday...its a great description.
trinaf
today i feel horrible. my emotions are all over the shop...so far today i have cried in a colleagues office and was rude to an old acquaintance across the hall. i am soooooooooo tired. moving into the stage of true acceptance of the changes to my life is not so easy. i fight to stay above the water line today, and resist the temptation to fall into a mire of self pity and depression. it is sooo frustrating the enforced slowness of my life now...emotionally i am slow, cognitively i am slow.
trinaf
Hi Trinaf...okay, I wanted to say write something optimistic, but instead I think it's better for you to vent, scream, and whatever it takes to get all the frustration out. The past 3 days have not been a picnic for me either, and lately I've done more venting and swearing just to get the anger out of my system. It actually helped a little.
I agree that it's difficult caring for young children while everyone is sick and miserable, but until it gets better....be extra kind to yourself, so that you're able to devote extra love and care to your family.
I had to add a little optimism at the end. lol
Sabrina15