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Journal Entry for July 30, 2009 Mood
Thursday, July 30, 2009

2 ww will be over on 8/3, maybe sooner if AF shows up, definitely not feeling pg. this 2nd IUI cycle was aweful, RE upped my meds and was only able to produce one decent follie and my labs were not so great, i.e E2 199 .... I decided not to do a cycle this month, and I may not do another one at all.  The meds just really messed me up physically & mentally.  We are scheduled to talk to 3rd party reporduction at RE's office on 8/12 about the prospect of

EA.  I was apprehensive about how to bring up topic with DH, but i really under estimated him, he was very responsive to the topic.  The only thing that concerns me is I hear thru grapevine that wait time is anywhere from 6month-1year.  I will be 45 in oct and do not know how much i relish the idea of being pregnant possibly at 46 years old.  But i will learn more when I get to appointment.  I try to redirect my energy when I start feeling anxious about everything. One thing I do notice is my life is passing thru rather fast going form one cycle to the next, counting down the days till the next bw or us.  I ned a break

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Journal Entry for July 13, 2009 Mood
Monday, July 13, 2009
go for my US this morning on my way into work. Always feel anxious, then I wait for call at lunch time to let me know where I am in the process.  My meds have been upped to the max so hopefully the ole ovaries are responding ok.  I feel ok, just little twinges on bopth sides, hopefully that means there is some follies growing, last US showed 6 (3 each side).  It is such a day by day thing.
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Journal Entry for July 10, 2009 Mood
Friday, July 10, 2009
we ended up getting a pg test, was BFN, my DH is almost as bad as me, I dont do waiting game too well, I was ok with it, I have gone into this journey knowing that IUI I have not so great chances, but as my friend coined "optimistically cautious", she is 42 going thru 3rd course of IVF.  AF came 7/7, did CD3 bloodwork/us 7/9 and back on follistim, but they upped my dosage from 300 to 450. That bothered me a bit, I wasnt sure why RE felt having 2 dominent follies was good eough for 1st IUI, since at the time Re was pleased at my response. As of 7/9 I had 3 follies on each ovary that were less then 10, RE seemed happy about that.  I was reading article that it was old school thinking you can zap older ovaries into producing by higher doses, so I am having mixed feelings about dose increase, even my RE nurse seemed a bit surprised.  Go back for us on the 13th, this journey certainly makes times fly by, just waiting the days away, whether for US to assess the number and size of eggs, or p levels, or pg test, we are already in July.  Remain optimistcally cautious like I did w/prior cycle. I say to myself, how hard is it for a sperm & egg to hook up, but alas, if it were easy i wouldnt be in this position.  We are willing to try this a few times, then tossing around EA concept, if that is the case, then woulndt even do until Oct since we are saving up money, had a certain amount saved but that went on the meds, now we are done w/4K deductible so the finanical aspect is less, about 3k more for oop. Need to factor that all in since DH is nearly obsessed w/finances.  So on a good day I am grateful that I can try any treatment and happy my body is ok with it, on a bad day, I could curse it all and cry, what if a baby doesnt happen?? I just cant se our life w/o kids in it, then I step back and remind myself to take it one day at a time.  
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