Miss Elaine's Journal

What hurts the most. Was being so close, and watching you walk away. With so much ive left to say. And never knowing, what could have been. And being so close. Loving you, is what i miss the most.

That stupid song is in my head. I like that song fyi.

It stil hurts.

No matter what you say.

You could say you hate me.

You could even try love.

But i know so much!

 I know that nothing

Will ever replace the fever

and the triumph that i feel

i cant stop crying. 

Is it because i hurt and care?

Or is it because i have nothing better to feel.

and do not wish to be a heartless monster,

why does it matter

why cant i just stop feeling

that would solve all of this

but then of course

if i wasnt the monster to begin with

none of this would have happend

I hate me.

this disease makes me feel like a dirty unchristianlike monster

i wish it would go away.

its not me.

its not who i am.

but it is everyehere i am. it is a part of me.

 It is in me.

It is who i am now.

it decidedes every factor of my day

it decides what i wear and who i talk to

it decides where i go and how late i stay out

it owns me

it lives in me

it will never leave

make it go away

make it all go away.

I hate you Courtney

I hate you SO much

you have no idea

Let them be clean.

Let them be clean.

Since you are not.

Let them be clean.

So this is what heart ache feels like

Almost had forgotten.