Journal

What hurts the most. Was being so close, and watching you walk away. With so much ive left to say. And never knowing, what could have been. And being so close. Loving you, is what i miss the most.

That stupid song is in my head. I like that song fyi.

It stil hurts.

No matter what you say.

You could say you hate me.

You could even try love.

But i know so much!

 I know that nothing

Will ever replace the fever

and the triumph that i feel

i cant stop crying. 

Is it because i hurt and care?

Or is it because i have nothing better to feel.

and do not wish to be a heartless monster,

why does it matter

why cant i just stop feeling

that would solve all of this

but then of course

if i wasnt the monster to begin with

none of this would have happend

I hate me.

this disease makes me feel like a dirty unchristianlike monster

i wish it would go away.

its not me.

its not who i am.

but it is everyehere i am. it is a part of me.

 It is in me.

It is who i am now.

it decidedes every factor of my day

it decides what i wear and who i talk to

it decides where i go and how late i stay out

it owns me

it lives in me

it will never leave

make it go away

make it all go away.

I hate you Courtney

I hate you SO much

you have no idea

Let them be clean.

Let them be clean.

Since you are not.

Let them be clean.

So this is what heart ache feels like

Almost had forgotten.  

I just finished watching a few different videos on my STD just trying to figure out what i can and cannot do while i have it. I am going to go back to plan B and just stay clean. I cant do this any more. I hate this. I feel so dirty and sultry. I have no clue what i am going to do next. I change my mind. This is why i did not want to get attached to any one. I just cant do it. I cant. I hate this feeling. I dont even want to talk about. Its even emmbarrasing for me to post and rant about it. There has only been two people that i have been able to open up to completely about this. Connor and Alyxe . I hate this so much. And th more i think back and back and back. I think i may have ti wrong who gave it to me to begin with. I think it may have been the first guy i slept with. But i do not know, if that is true than i gave it to 6 other people with out knowing. i do not know. ugh Christains do not get GH. It just does not happen. We are supposed to stay clean and pure. Go go about being dirty little whores. I stil hate you Courtney. I stil hate you.

</3 

Im not sure where to start. I think I feel again. I had asked never to feel again. Things have been going to great until this. The worst part is that things are stil going well. May we are not official. But if feels so real. In stead of lying in bed thinking about us under the blankets with out our clothes on. I fell asleep softly and peaceful. I end up having a dream about him. All I wanted to to was cuddle up next to him. In my dream I tried to kiss him too. But he didnt let me lol And I know that is because last night i told him that Girls can tell how the whole rest of the road is going to be just by one kiss.

One Kiss.

To tell you goodnight.

One Kiss.

To tell you goodbye.

One Kiss.

To let you know you tried.

One Kiss.

To tell you, I love you.

I think that would be a great start to my sisters reply poem.

I hope youfind the happines your heart searches for.

That great journey we have all benn seeking our whole lives.

You will allways know where to find me.

I know that if we seek deep enough,

Nothing will ever be able to bring us down.

Hmm im not sure if that is part of my sisters poem or if I wrote that for Him. Oh well. It is done.

<3 

You know what is worse? lol

I love him.

Cant say for certain on what grounds.

But.

It is there.