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WoundedSoldier 
2:59pm, July 27, 2009
I have been having a really hard time lately. I have a really good knack for looking like everything is ok with me. But on the inside I feel like shit. I was an only child growing up and my mom was not the best person. She was a druggy up until I was about 11 and then she found god and changed. But for most of my time growing up I learned how to be very self reliant. I find it really hard now to express myself to the ones I love. It is just easier for me to bottle up everything inside and put up a front. The only problem with that is after a while my bottle gets filled and anger spills out. I am a quite person by nature…..kind of a loner but when I get mad I have no problem expressing myself. My wife and I get into a lot of fights and when we do I go all out……I can be a jerk. But so can she. But then when we are not fighting I find it really hard to express good things with her. When I am angry hurtful words come flying out but when things are good it is the exact opposite. I don’t know why that is. I am feeling angry a lot more lately. Little things are really starting to get to me. Just last night we watched Marley and Me with the kids and there were a couple of parts in the movie that got me upset. One was when they were running on the snow. I can’t do that anymore. And the other scene was when Owen Wilson was playing football with his kids. Watching things like that piss me off and really gets me down. There are so many thing that I took for granted. It is really hard coping with my injury and it is not getting easier. For me it seems to be getting harder…..I hurt every day. My back hurts from sitting in a stupid chair all day long. My hips hurt. I have a lot of nerve damage in my legs so I have to take methadone to help fight the pain. I hate living life like this. I wish sometimes that it would all just end. No I am not saying that I want to end my life I’m just saying that I can’t stand living like this and I don’t know what to do to feel better. Not to mention our fighting is getting more frequent. My wife and I. And that doesn’t help how I feel. I always ask “Why me“…..I was not a bad person! I had my faults just like everyone else but I was not bad. So why!! Why was I the one who lost his legs! There were 4 Strykers that night. I was the first one and we were always told that they usually hit the last vehicles in a convoy. Why was my Stryker hit and why did they blow the IED at that moment! Why could have it been a second earlier so it could have killed the engine. Why was I sitting right then. I always stand on my seat and look out the hatch…..why did I choose to sit at that moment!! God I wish I could change 1 of the million variables that night. I just don’t understand if there is a bigger picture in life what good can come out of losing my legs. Part of me wishes that I died that night. I am feeling lost right now and I don’t know how to stop. I hope thing get better!!
Comments
friend, i know what you mean about the anger. i have been there. I was adopted at the age of 3. the parents were in their mid-40's. they were kind and gave me eveything. but their daughter was just the opposite, although she was the one who talked them into adopting me.
after my lower body was amputated, i spent the first few days in denial, that turned into anger that god allowed this to happen to me. i had never done anything wrong. why me, and at this time in my life. but my wife , who is my nurse, helped me to see that god has something special in store for me to do . and i believe that he has something special for you too. may i suggest that when you and your wife start to disagree, that you 'take a step back' so to speak and ask god to help you as you two talk. it has helped me greatly.
know that you are in my prayers daily and i know that you will come out of this just fine, along with your family. again, thanks for your service and sacrifice for me and my family. your friend robert.
robertlj
hey - i watched marley and me last night too and was upset for other reasons - the end. i about came unglued b/c i cannnot imagine having to do that to my beloved companion, my dog. but anyway, back to you - your feelings sound very familiar. my first nephew was born 6 mo after my leg was amputated, and i remember for months being jealous of my baby nephew b/c he had two real legs....ok, how sick is that??? i too, would watch others and be sad for what i didn't have anymore. it's ok to feel this anger and sadness -- it's part of the grieving process -- but if you could find someone to talk to about how you are feeling is key, whether that be a counseler, family member, friend. i often asked "why me" when i found out i had cancer, but then years later i asked myself again, "why NOT me?" - why should this have happened to anyone else? i know it's hard to believe now, b/c i was in the same frame of mind on some things that you are, but you will get to a point of acceptance. keep journaling -- your thoughts have to come out somwhere!! take care ~kinzy
Kinzy902
Hey...I feel for you man but you have PTSD and in the back of your mind you have to do a mind control to not let the anger well up and head towards your wife. Coming home from combat is difficult in its self but to be injured like that is extremely difficult. Have you joined any VA group therapies or VA amputee therapy groups? They both can be very good for you in controlling your anger.
I tripped a booby trap in Nam and a grenade went off 2 inches from my foot. My unit was sure I lost my leg but the surgeons did a good job. I have constant pain in that leg since 1967. I broke my hip last year in two places so now I have two bum legs.
I spent some time on an amputee ward at the US Naval Hospital on Guam. It is all about attitude. Some of the guys thought their lives were over but others said "fuck it, nothing is going to stop me". You need to get that attitude and you need get some help at the VA. I was always down on the VA but group therapy does help and I have improved 10 fold.
Relationships are the first thing to go when you suffer from PTSD and you have to work with your spouse and find a happy medium. In my group therapy, most of the guys are from Nam, and the average for the group is 3 wifes. Not a real good record. I'm on number two and a couple of the guys are on number four.
I see that you lost many friends over there as did I in Nam. It was my job to save them but in some cases I was not able. Two weeks after I was injured, my unit walked into an ambush and my replacement and half of my unit was KIA. To this day I feel that I should have been there and died with them doing my job.
I will try and talk again with you and hopefully you will find a path to recovery. Welcome Home.
NamDoc
I love you all, soldier I do pray this group helps you so much! Use it get rid of your anger another one by a vet is anger and venting by milkywayexpress, it is good get in there and go for the punching bag, you men have been to hell and back it shld start getting easier I hope. At any rate My bro is in nam so I am with you all.
specialistwife
I don't have the words to say....and I can't really say anything that the others ahead of me haven't already said anyway.
I've never been in your situation, and I can't imagine the hurt and the anger that you are suffering. But please know that I am here for you, always here if you need someone to talk to or just a listening ear. My prayers are with you.
ldmay0426