mood(out of 10)=6.5-7 it is sunday …
mood(out of 10)=6.5-7 it is sunday morning 1st march and it has been 18 days since my last purge. im feeling …
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cheekygirl 
10:04pm, October 25, 2009
friday, 13 march
i have reached day 30 of no purging. i am surprised, although not so surprised at the same time. i think i go through 'spells' of binge-purging. i do it alot for a week or a few weeks then stop almost completely for a few more weeks. i don't know how long it is going to be before it happens again.
i ate a bowl of ice cream today. i was quite anxious to do this, because i have never let myself digest ice cream-it has for a while been a rule that i would always have to throw it up, because it is ICE CREAM. not today. a small bowl of ice cream right now doesn't even compare to whatever else i have eaten today-in terms of calories. i started eating again on tuesday, a choice that i made myself. it was either to be happy or to be comfortable. comforable as in eating and not depriving myself of food, and happy as in losing weight. eventually though, comfort always wins. whether i have good intentions or not in what i am originally trying to do(recovery for example), i will always be fighting towards being comfortable(going back to my ED ways).
i feel like crap. i feel so alone-i just want to talk to someone. i didn't get to see my therapist on wednesday. i got mixed up with dates, and i see her next wednesday instead. i have been depressed for the last few days and i was going to skip school on monday but i didn't, on tuesday but i didn't, on thursday but i didn't. i did today. and what have i done instead of school work? absolutely nothing. i have sat in my room listening to the same songs over and over. one of them is Bob Dylan-Times They Are A Changing from the Watchmen soundtrack. i feel worse than i did yesterday. i have been eating all day and it is pissing me off big time. i get especially annoyed at myself when i eat tonnes of healthy food during a binge because it doesn't taste THAT good. if im going to put on weight or 'use up' calories, it might as well be from food that tastes GREAT-to get the most taste out of the calories so it is more worth having.
i want someone to give me an honest opinion of me. what i really look like if i am any different to how i think i look. i say this because i was with my youth group yesterday and the leader asked everyone if they wanted an ice cream. i said no and the leader asked me again if i was sure saying "you need some miss skinny". i don't know what she meant by that, whether it was sarcastic or the truth or what?! i don't think i am skinny at all. i have 'extras' and in fact i'd say that i am pushing it when it comes to weight. im sure that i am on the end of 'healthy' and going into the 'overweight' category. my body looks so unnaturally big and unproportional to the size of my face. im so confused.
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A tape measure and scales cannot lie, they trancend belief, opinion, perception etc. Once you are weighed and measured you then have an accurate report of the state of your weight and general health weight wise. Trust these figures, not your opinion or perception!
happy/comfortable? we hypnotherapists call this being in 2 parts, they were once a whole part but because of events etc they are apposed to each other, try this..(may seem weird but go for it!)
1.hold out your palms and in turn ask the happy then comfortable parts to sit on the hand of choice (you'll have one on each hand)ask the happy part "what are you trying to get for me, if you succeed what will you get for me"? (for instance it might say "lose weight") then continue with "and if you lose me some weight what is important about that,"?(let your inner self give an honest answer, it can either be immediate or after some time of sitting quiet, it is usually a very short or one word answer.Bear in mind you should eventually be left with a one word ultimate goal and however poorly the part decides to get this positive goal, it will be something stated in the positive (some i've had...Freedom, succeess, peace, completeness)
you'll know you've got it when you cant go further and it is always stated in the positive and the word will seem 'right'
now to the other hand ask comfortable the same questions, you may be surprised to find they want the same thing for you,but they are both going about it different ways. If this is the case, allow both parts to face each other (turn palms toward each other)and they can see they both want the same thing for you, but they are pulling in the opposite direction (this leads nowhere right?) so now allow them to pull toward each other slowly and as they clasp together they can join forces and pull in the same direction that's best for you overall.
I use this all the time for people who say "I'm in two minds about it" at the very least it can unearth the underlying motives of each part.
Above all be healthy, without health all other motives have no purpose.
ps if you suffer with negative internal voices, then change the voice to a comedy voice eg marge simpson, mini mouse etc you wont be able to tae it seriously with a silly voice!
here if you need to talk!
hypnotherapist