cheekygirl's Journal

tuesday night, 10 march

mood: aaahhhh, can't decide...........mixed

i have internet! finally.

i haven't purged for 27 days now, almost a month. i have been restricting for the last 8 days though and i feel really good about it, and in control obviously. i had to. i panicked and went to my 'safe' place-which is restriction. i have stopped eating at school, though i am eating small breakfasts and haven't been running since last wednesday.

i don't know what to do now. i want to just binge(ah yes, i knew this was coming), ive lost 2kg, but the school ball is in a few months and i really want to lose another 8kg for it, to fit into this gorgeous dress. i don't want my body to be seen like this in a dress-im too big.

i see my therapist tomorrow and i want her to tell me to eat more so i don't have to decide whether to eat or not. i don't know how the hell i am going to stop the binging and starving cycle. everytime i try to eat 'normally', i feel so deprived and binge. then starve. i am always looking for food to eat and i always feel like i am missing something when i am not eating, like i am constantly in starvation mode-maybe i am? it's so frustrating