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Arrianna 
11:39am, April 3, 2009
"Hello," I said again a bit louder. With no answer, I started to turn away and follow another path but something told me I could not go yet. I decided it was worth another look. So I walked to the edge of the trail as if I knew what was ahead of me. I acted with bravado and even a bit of pride. I could have hesitated, but I thought someone was watching me and I knew not to act afraid. Who it was, or why I felt exposed and fearful, I wouldn't know till much later. "Well, sweet lady, I see you have ventured close to the edge. Were you looking for me or just a bit curious to find some great answers?" His voice was soft and melodic and instantly made me feel safe. It was like he was an old friend. I didn’t know the answer to his question, all I knew was that once I started down this road there would be no turning back. What did I want from him? What did he look like? So far all I knew was a voice that drew me in like a warm fireplace on a cold night. "Would you like to talk a while?" I asked. "Yes, I would like that very much but Im afraid I need stay where I am so I can not sit beside you while we talk." What would like to talk about?" I wasn’t quite expecting that question. I thought he would lead me to what I needed to know. He sounded so knowledgeable and confident. "Well, one thing I would like to know is if there is something that can/should do before this life pulls me to its inevitable end?" "So, are you asking me if there is an act you can perform, or statue you build, or genes you should have passed on before you leave here? If that is your question, then the answer is no. I think what you seek is known in your own mind. I don't mean to be evasive but from the time you chose your parents you knew the answer to what you are asking me now. You have simply strayed to far from the path you began way back then. Now you don’t even know what your mission was. Do you remember being "happy?" The kind of happy that had the sun warm you and the breeze cool you and nothing more to do than watch the clouds go by the blue skies or the full moon? That kind of simple pleasure is very hard to duplicate as an adult. It is easy when you are a child alone looking out the window. I believe some adults like to call it bliss. Your mission is bliss. You knew that and will find it if you stop looking so hard. Sometimes the answers can only come in quiet times when the world is not paying attention. “Is it wrong to want to be with you? Many people tell me that it is wrong or go the other way, and tell me that it’s brave to seek you.” By this time I had an idea I was in the presence of a great spirit. It could be the goddess or her consort but I was sure that it knew more than me. But is it my job to fight you? Should it be my singular mission to do whatever I can to avoid your arms? I thought I knew you and I thought that if I was correct about knowing you, then it would be fine to be in your embrace after all. Why should I fight you when you could always outwait me? There are many ways to "be" in this world. The tether of my oxygen has brought a relatively new awareness, one that reminds me daily that I must fight for each breath. It's made easier by equipment that has been developed, but left without that, I should not last long. I choose to wear my tether. Now I face a new dilemma about a lung transplant. Should I do everything in my power to get one or just accept somehow you or powers greater than myself hold answers and therefore it is not my place to devote my time and passion to an outcome? I find that rather unacceptable. I have a need to see my path and then I can fill in some of the blanks on how to feel and what to bring to the "party".
Comments
it touches something inside me.....I want to know how the conversation continues :)
kellady
YES ME TOO! HUGS
dallas2