ReneeDL's Journal

Gee - it's hard to remember those days - they were SOOOO long ago. I'm 35 now. Drank my first wine cooler at 11 - my grandmother set my cousin, sister, and myself up at a hotel overlooking Ocean Beach in San Diego. She bought us wine coolers for the weekend. She always believed we should drink "in front" of our family, not away. As I said, I was 11, my sister and cousin were 15. I remember loving the taste. At 15, I began my drinking life after everyone went to bed. Stealing gin from the cabinet. I had just moved into a family's house where I nannied, and they treated me like one of their children while I finished high school. But before that.... where did I get my rush from? In the days before taking those first sips of pure alcohol each night, the days before getting that buzzing high, what made me "feel"? Well - I had a "flashback" last night. I just returned from IOP. I was a bit stressed because there were some angry people there who "had" to be there because of DUIs and who didn't "want" to be there, like me, who went to IOP voluntarily. Anyway - that is another story. I went home, (well, my parents home as my kids are now living with them temporarily) and I got on the treadmill that my mother-in-law handed down to me, and I started at a slow pace, gradually brought it up another pace, set it on an incline, and ran my little legs as fast as I could "up" that hill for 10 minutes. I felt SOOOO good. I had such a rush. It was the most awesome feeling I have had in ages. Certainly even more awesome than my drinking has been over the past two years. It was a true rush. In ninth grade, age 14, I was on the track and cross country team. My best friends and I always came in last. But I loved it. I ran for me. And I felt so good. That's what I remember. I didn't miss a day of running (or jogging, which is what I was really doing). I had staminal. I could run forever. Maybe not fast, but just kept those little legs going. Even after I began drinking after 15 - I still ran. But I had moved to a new city, and a new school. I started getting involved in Drama. We put on some damn good plays and musicals for a high school. I was very involved in the backstage stuff. What a rush to make or collect "props", or be a stage manager. I felt alive as a show was going on. Without alcohol. Without drugs. Just a pure rush from something I was involved in. As college came - I drank much more heavily. Did drugs. Hardley had any days that I felt good enough to run. I did get involved in theater, but my "other" life was more important. I am so thankful I had that "flashback". I am excited. Inspired. Challenged. I wonder - what do you remember? Where did you used to get your rush?