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ReneeDL 
8:37am, July 13, 2009
Gee - it's hard to remember those days - they were SOOOO long ago. I'm 35 now. Drank my first wine cooler at 11 - my grandmother set my cousin, sister, and myself up at a hotel overlooking Ocean Beach in San Diego. She bought us wine coolers for the weekend. She always believed we should drink "in front" of our family, not away. As I said, I was 11, my sister and cousin were 15. I remember loving the taste. At 15, I began my drinking life after everyone went to bed. Stealing gin from the cabinet. I had just moved into a family's house where I nannied, and they treated me like one of their children while I finished high school. But before that.... where did I get my rush from? In the days before taking those first sips of pure alcohol each night, the days before getting that buzzing high, what made me "feel"? Well - I had a "flashback" last night. I just returned from IOP. I was a bit stressed because there were some angry people there who "had" to be there because of DUIs and who didn't "want" to be there, like me, who went to IOP voluntarily. Anyway - that is another story. I went home, (well, my parents home as my kids are now living with them temporarily) and I got on the treadmill that my mother-in-law handed down to me, and I started at a slow pace, gradually brought it up another pace, set it on an incline, and ran my little legs as fast as I could "up" that hill for 10 minutes. I felt SOOOO good. I had such a rush. It was the most awesome feeling I have had in ages. Certainly even more awesome than my drinking has been over the past two years. It was a true rush. In ninth grade, age 14, I was on the track and cross country team. My best friends and I always came in last. But I loved it. I ran for me. And I felt so good. That's what I remember. I didn't miss a day of running (or jogging, which is what I was really doing). I had staminal. I could run forever. Maybe not fast, but just kept those little legs going. Even after I began drinking after 15 - I still ran. But I had moved to a new city, and a new school. I started getting involved in Drama. We put on some damn good plays and musicals for a high school. I was very involved in the backstage stuff. What a rush to make or collect "props", or be a stage manager. I felt alive as a show was going on. Without alcohol. Without drugs. Just a pure rush from something I was involved in. As college came - I drank much more heavily. Did drugs. Hardley had any days that I felt good enough to run. I did get involved in theater, but my "other" life was more important. I am so thankful I had that "flashback". I am excited. Inspired. Challenged. I wonder - what do you remember? Where did you used to get your rush?
Friday I continued to pack and get ready me and my girls to have an extended stay at my parent's house. My husband thought I was just going for the weekend while he went upstate with some of the guys (his dad and uncles). The girls and I went swimming, then out for ice cream. It was a nice time without drinking.
Saturday - 5-year old's b-day party. Girls were tired, and seemed anxious. I told them casually that we were going to be staying at grandma and grandpa's a little longer so that "Daddy can get some things done at the house, like finish painting the basement."
They have been agitated all weekend.
Saturday night I called my husband and said "I think we're going to stay here for a while longer, until I get my shit straight". He said "ok...." and paused. I said that there are too many triggers for me at home, and I can't deal with it, such as your computer games, it just makes me so stressed out". He said "ok, we'll talk about it", and then we said goodbye.
Sunady, he didn't call all day. He was supposed to come over for dinner at 5:00. I finally called him at 4:45. He said he'd be on the way soon. He was cold and defensive all during dinner, but we didn't talk about us at all. he played with the kids a little, and then said he had to go in order to get ready for work. HAH! Probably because he was dying to get back to his online Tribal Wars game!
Anyway - last night I was sad. I really wanted to go get a drink. Thank goodness it was Sunday and everything was closed. I put the kids to bed and read from one of my new books "Don't let the Bastards Grind you Down" by Georgia W. She "told"me you either have to quit, or you're going to eventually die. I needed to hear those words. I have to quit. I have to be on my own right now. Maybe my husband will find out he wants to "live" and not "play" in another world. Maybe he won't. But for today... my program is all the matters.
I'm a victim of losing a husband to an online computer game - Tribal Wars. He is going away this weekend. We have property in upstate Pennsylvania, his hunting lands, and he has to go check on the corn he planted for the deer in the fall.
I have made a decision to move out while he is away. My two girls and I will move in with my parents who live 15 minutes away. They already take care of our two daughters, aged 3 1/2 and 5, during the day.
I am currently battling with my own addiction to alcohol. I can't be in an addictive household anymore. He gets to go about his addictions. I am trying to recover. This is what I have to do, and I really want to feel good about it.
He is going to be furious. But what else can I do?!!!! I've had a handful of sober days, but am still drinking because I am angry. I get home from a meeting for my addiction and the kids are watching T.V. while he is glued to the computer. Ok, yes, he fed them. And yes, he is giving me time to get away to get help for alcoholism. But I come home to a mess, and a husband who is heavily involved in his own addiction. Between Tribal Wars and smoke breaks, he is never "around".
He doesn't see it. He sees me as the enemy. He quit for 1 day a month ago. He sulked around the house until I finally said "just go back to it". He was upset because he had "built" up such an empire, and then he lost it. What about his "empire" at home?!
His best friend and his best friend's brother are also hooked on it. So, there again, I am the bad guy for taking him away from them.
He also says that he isn't as bad as his friend, that he at least helps out a little. Well, that "little" is getting to be much much less.
I am feeling really angry right now. I have to get back to the feeling I had earlier this morning when I definatley made the decision to follow through with moving out today.
I have to trust that I am doing the right thing.
Past Entries
| July 2009 |
Wednesday, 7/01
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April 2009 |
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Friday, 4/03
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