Cdilauri's Journal

Uncertainty is a horrible thing but fear is the worst human emotion that can never be fully expressed. I have had the unpleasent experience of knowing the worst type of fear: the fear of pain. There are no words that can express the gut renching feeling that it brings. But looking back on it, the pain seems to help you grow into a better person.

Having survived years of this, knowing that I have youth and education on my side has done little to lessen the fear that grows deep in my belly. This emotion, this feeling is a new one for me; I have always had complete confidence that "the doctors know what they are talking about" or "something can be done" but knowing what I know, experiencing things I cant even begin to understand muchless coherantly describe, and seeing doctor after doctor with no significant leads makes you doubt those grounded principles and replace the once optomistic smile with an impatient frown. 

Sleep was always my refuge from the world.. but lately I can sleep 14 hrs and feel like I got 2hrs of sleep.... Life is exhausting but sleep has become more of a chore than getting out of bed in the morning to do the painful everyday activities that have become increasingly difficult. 

My doctors have died and gone to diagnostic heaven when they read the list of symptoms I have accumulated..... Sadly enough no one seems to be the least bit interested in them and are only trying to fix the problems they specialize in not the big picture.