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KECarl 
3:39pm, July 29, 2009
so i've been looking back at what i did, didn't do, could have done better, my part in my downfall as it were.
looking at the now and the future is strange. so much has changed in my life since christmas, some good some bad but i have reassessed a lot of what i want and who i am.
at the moment i am still stuck, stuck living with someone who clearly does not love me, stuck in a relationship that emphasises the joy of the past by stinging me with the pain of the present.
do i know where this is going? no, not right now. would i try and save the marriage, even now, yes i would if she could be as she was, not as she is now. It is this that keeps me in this situation, the tiniest smallest amount of hope that perhaps, maybe it can be fixed.
My mind tells me over and over to move on, let go, but my heart and my memories wont allow it yet, not yet. I am fooling myself and letting time slip by in pain when i could be moving forward and finding happiness.
as for the future, it is my wedding anniversary on 1 July, tomorrow, the same anniversary she now shares with her om, their first. [at this point in time i have no idea if they are still in contact, i dont even bother to ask her because even if she said they weren't i wouldn't believe her]. Tomorrow will be a painful day, a day to lick wounds and hide away.
As for futher forward, i have decided some things that right now make sense, firstly i no longer want children. I don't know that i have it in me anymore to want to help bring life in to this world. I have too much pain right now. And one thing i have always told myself, i would never have children at the same age my father was when he had me. I always felt growing up that he was too old, not in a bad way but he just wasnt young. As I move from mid to later 30s i no longer want to have children.
And marriage, not again. Not again. I no longer see the point of the ceremony, the promises, the vows and contract. If two people love each other and want to be with each other, then there is no need for a contract and vows. If one or both no longer want to be together, then no matter how many promises or contracts exist they will separate.
So i will not marry again.
Sorry i am rambling and spilling thoughts here, probably because tomorow is setting my mind off and i am drinking [yes posting when drinking is not clever].
Ah well 9 years married tomorrow. happy happy, joy joy.
Comments
Oh K! I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug, and be with you and help you feel better. Don't make any decisions about your life when you are in pain. Your perspective will change when things get better, you'll see. You will make a wonderful father some day, and make a woman amazingly happy, whether it be Mel or not.
Don't drink to much Figg. Please take care of yourself!!!!!!!!
martingala
I'm sorry you're feeling so down and sad. I know this isn't easy for you and I always will be here to help you. You have so much ahead of you and so many more memories to make. Hugs K...
Rj73
Hey K ... Don't torture yourself. You'll never really know the WHOLE reason for what happened - not really. You can go on and on about what you could have done differently but the bottom line is that she is the one who left and didn't work on the marriage. You are willing to give it your all ... and willing to change as much as you possibly can. She is willing to leave, cheat on you, and go to another for comfort instead of getting counseling and trying to rebuild and strengthen the marriage. :)
gocolts
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, KE. First of all, you have a right to feel this way and it's okay to think like you do right now. Time is a great healer, though, and things may change as you get further away from this hurt. I just have to say somethihng to you that came to my mind as I was reading about your father. I felt the same way about my mom. She was 35 when she had me and I always thought my parents were too old. But 35 came and went for me and I still hadn't had my second child that I longed for....a girl because I had lost my mom and didn't have any sisters. I went through invitrofertilization to have her at the age of 37. Yes, I'm an old lady but I don't know what I would do without her and I tend to think she wouldn't trade me in either :) BIG HUGS to you!!!!!
veeachjay
K....she did you a favor. YOU are meant for greatness and be loved in greatness. I became a mother again at the age of 41...yep....biologically borderline too old but, he is the best gift in this time in my life....perhaps with age, comes wisdom and patience? Who knows. Embrace the sorrow of a lost dream/life/hope but, know that the new horizon is upon you and you will be appreciated like you deserve....march focker march....I'm with you.
ZXJ
Big hugs my dear friend...
Mamalyn
hugs! hope you get through tomorrow (not too hungover) OK. I see what you are saying about marriage....it does seem like a bit of a joke here, too, at this point..
hikerchic
K it is a tough journey...my antiversary was on the 29th of june. The day came an d went I tried to keep busy...I totally understand what you say about not getting married again but wanting a loving commitment with someone. You are right that the marriage/wedding vows, contractual agreements mean little when one breaks them...Stay strong, a day is only 24 hours long and the sun will rise again!
snoopdog2
K; I'm sorry that you're going through a rough phase. Please never say never. (((((HUGS))))
Begin07
HUGE HUGS!!
SAbrokenheart