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KECarl 
3:39pm, July 29, 2009
some of the threads here recently have got me thinking, "what did i do wrong in my marriage" to trigger her cheating on me and breaking us up.
When i first came on ds i believed what she told me, that i had done nothing wrong. But the more i think about it the more i see that i could have done things differently.
I always loved her and expressed it by doing things out of love for her, giving her gifts, making every meal for her, breakfast lunch and supper. I always told her how beautiful i thought she was. All this while she was gaining weight and feeling less in love with herself. I never stopped being attracted to her so it was never an issue for me, when maybe i could and should have noticed and helped her.
We never did enough - going out, visiting friends or family or just going places. All the while she has been home sick for her family and friends i always thought that my love for her was enough. I was happy spending time just the two of us, so she should be too. Instead i should have been feeding her soul with and easing her pain by making her feel more at home in the UK, with my friends, my family, taking her places and meeting people. She is very outgoing and i am quite shy so i never missed seeing friends and family, she did.
When we had our first miscarriage and she spiralled into depression, the support she needed wasnt there. It was from me and in part from my family but not the support she really needed from a network of friends and family, like she has in South Africa. So the miscarriage triggered off all her anxieties and depressions creating a situation where she lost any self worth and any self love. And with that, she lost her love for me too, no matter what i did for her.
Nothing can ever excuse her affair or the way i have been treated but i do understand more now of what i should have been for her and how i could have loved her differently and paid attention to her needs - although she never really expressed them i think i should have spotted them. Could she have helped herself more too? yes of course but i will always wish i had done things differently.
Everything I have done for her has been out of love and that just wasn't enough wasn't the right kind of love and now she is lost.
It is sad, i am having a sad day.
Comments
Take what you have learned and grow...it's so hard looking back and seeing where you could have done things differently...sometimes hindsight sucks...but we need it inorder to become stronger and better people
Take those memories...cherish them...be thankful for them...I know easier said than done...one day at a time...one step at a time...
I am here for you...Harley hugs and all... (((((((CARL)))))))
harleygirl7145
Hard lessons learned. The biggest being that you can't fix everything, sometimes all you can do is learn from your mistakes and move forward.
I get what you are saying.
I said to my STBX the last time we spoke " All of this is a damn shame."
EastCoastAJ
Oh sweet man. You are owning up to your part in things, you are honest with yourself. We can not fix another person. We can love with all of our hearts, we can try with all of our energy, but in the end it is still their choices. You are a dear man, I wish you peace in that wounded heart. Big hugs
Mamalyn
I have spent many a day going over and over how things could have been different, how they might even be different now if we were to start over with my new-found knowledge. Painful, isn't it? Especially because you know deep down there is no going back. Learn a lesson from your insight and move painfully forward. Sandy
rote
K, it is gret that you are reflecting on your responsibility on the matter. However, I do beleive you are being too harsh on yourself. I don't know if there is anything you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. It seems to me that she has a tendency for depression, and if one thing didn't trigger it, something else would have.
Nobody is perfect, you can't guess what is insider somebody else's heart and mind if they don't communicate it. You have tried to help her, You have been amazingly patient and loving. She doesn't want to help herself, and that is something you have to accept, and decide whether you want to live with it or not.
As a person who has lived away from her family most of her life, I know what it's like. I also know what it is like to be alone with no support in a moment of crisis. She was not alone she had you. And honestly, so did I, you were there for me in my worst moments, and I will never forget that. You are the best K!
Concentrate on what you need, be selfish for a little bit K, you deserve it!
ILY!
martingala
She should have gotten help and learned how to communicate what she needed from you, instead of cheating. No one is perfect, and you did the best you could. You loved her, she just stopped loving herself.
I've been there.
I hope this sadness passes soon. HUGS.
Jaken
K, I agree with Martingala. You did what you could and you are waaay to harsh on yourself.
Much love
DD
dirtdiva