ricksdar's Journal

There isn't a theme for Rage so that will have to do. I am so tired of fighting this depression. This is the first time that  I haven't been able to pull myself out of it. I know part of it is because of the shit Ranae is putting me through. I found out that she is telling her father that while he was out on his truck he didn't know what really went on here. Like she was abused or something. What went on was I spoiled her rotten!!!! I allowed her to drive my grand prix to school everyday instead of the town car. I didn't make her do any chores except the cat boxes. Which she would lie about and tell me she did them.. We would order out dinner every  night so she didn't have to cook. I allowed her to go to friends houses when she wanted, if there was a responsible parent there too. IF she had it so damn bad she wouldn't have been class VP or the Pres. of BPA. We were the parents that chaperoned every school dance that she wanted us too. She told me that I was the best Mom in the entire world. I thought I was closer to her than anyone else.

I am also angry at Rick for allowing it to go on this long. I realize he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. He is so afraid of loosing her. She is his only birth child. This fear is causing him to allow her to abuse him and most of all me. She calls him all the time, less now that she knows I know everything. She loved it when he wasn't telling me about their communication. Everything was wonderful until we took away the car because she dropped out of college. She knew that the only reason we allowed her to take the car was to help her get to and from a job. We also stopped paying for her cell phone.  She got fired from two jobs since then. She has written at least two checks on an account that she knew was closed for over two hundred dollars. This was not the way she was raised. She said she wanted to make her own mistakes. Well she's doing a great job at it. I just wish she would leave my marriage the hell alone. I never thought that I would think of her as a stepchild. She was mine and that was it, but all of this and the fact that she has singled me out for some reason has caused me not to want her back into my life. She has hurt me really bad. I don't think I have ever felt this much rage at someone. I can't tell her how I feel because I could never hurt Rick that bad. May God have mercy on her soul and bring her back to the Christian she was raised to be. I know all children rebel but this is different. She is trying to hurt me as much as she can. I saw her do this to her birth mother because she felt like she should do more things for her. She hated her birth Mom because she didn't give her as much as she gave her other two boys at Christmas. We had Re for Christmas and made sure that our children did not go for want. She felt like she should have all the new electronics things that her half brothers did, not from us but from her Mother. She would laugh when she got off the phone from talking to her because she had hurt her in some way. WE would try to get her to talk to her Mother about what was really wrong and she said she should know. We had her in counseling for three years. Any and everything we could think of. She never complained about our home life. In fact the opposite. She would always say how blessed we were to have what we did. I think that someone slipped her something in a drink that has caused her to have someone else's memories!!!!! Just a thought.

I have to figure out how to get out of this depression. I would rather stay in bed all day and eat!!!! Not good. When Rick calls to tell me that he well be out another day or two, I'm, glad because I don't want to get dressed or take a shower. This isn't right. I"m really starting to wonder if I will ever get back to where I belong. It just seems like one thing after another. Re being a witch, Rick not having the balls to put her in her place and protect me. My oldest daughter having to go back over to the sand pile for anther 4 months next month. ON top of that the youngest twin just may be a new daddy. She is due in May and then they can do the DNA. He has a fifty fifty chance!!!!!!!!!!!!! His problem not mine, but I will be here for him. I love babies. Then there is the medicaid,  money problems and so one and so one. I know that there are many of you out there in way worse condition than I will ever be or think of being. I mean no disrespect. I am just feeling really sorry for myself and am tired of hurting.

I would love it if we had enough money to bring this house up to code on the electric, do the renovation that is needed to turn the small living room into our room so we can have a King Size Bed for my fat ass, turn the extra bedroom into the master bathroom and our current room into a walk in closet. Yes it is that small. I would also love to be able to put in a back yard since we had to let it die because we couldn't afford the water on it. I want a therapeutic jacuzzi pool for myself. The kind that you can sit in one end for the message and the other is deep so I could exercise with little pain. Now I just need to win the lottery!!!!! I am so tired of being broke and now it will be worse because I make so damn much. Gee Mr President what ya think that 250 will pay for, yep my meds next month, well one of them. They do cost  almost a grand. Guess I have to decide what ones I can afford and which ones that I can't. Wonder if he has this problem, NOTTTTTTTTT. I'm still as angry as I was when I started writing. I thought by putting all the ugly down in words it would somehow come out of me and leave me alone. I just want to be happy again, that's it.

God please let me be happy again. Please give me back my drive for life or show me where I put it. I'm scared. Without it, I don't want to live. I need my fight back. I've had the wind knocked out of me, so I can't scream for help. Why is this all happening at once? Can anyone hear me? Can anyone help? How am I suppose to fix all of this when I can't even make myself take a damn shower? I'm only 45, I don't want to loose my will to live. I feel like I am holding on with my finger nails. I keep praying for the Lord to show me the way. I'm not just looking the way I want to go. I am looking everywhere for a clue, hint or whatever it is gonna take. I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I keep doing it. I know that it is the devils work. I keep ordering him away. I am so tired of the pain, both physical and mental. I want to feel human again. I want to be able to clean my own house, get the trailer ready to go camping, plant the flower garden, play with my grand children, help out at the senior citizens center, write a book. I want out of this tunnel I find myself in. I'm not sure where the light is so I can't find my way out. I just keep going deeper and deeper not matter what way I travel. I need a miracle Lord. Please lighten my heart, remind me of all the joys in this world and forgive me for loosing my way. DAR