ricksdar's Journal

   I feel just awful because I haven't been able to keep up with DS/Chronic Pain as of late. I had another flare-up,(for those who don't know it is a new bone growth) this one on my back left rib cage. It has locked me up further, but I still have usage. I can't raise my hand over chest level now. That really only bugs me when I'm fishing! Hubby will have to do just a little more for me. It seems like every time I get settled in an am able to keep up daily with everything, it all goes to the weigh side. I guess that is life. You don't have trouble on your doorstep any longer than you have serenity. I'm the type that doesn't mind the trouble that much, kinda use to it. But when things are real serene in my life, I get the Hebe jeebies. I've even caught myself causing trouble just so I don't have to worry about what is next. If that isn't the typical victim, I don't know what is. It is a quality that I hate about myself but seem to hold onto for dear life. It is my defense against tranquility!!!LOL I just have always felt the better things are the worse it's going to be. What a way to live ones' life. I should know better. I'm a Christian, I believe in God, I try to follow the Commandments and listen to what He says. I just get inpatient at times and take control back over. That is when it happens. I always make a mess of things when I force things to go my way. That old saying comes back to me, be careful for what you wish for! I never listen. I always seem to have to make the same mistake at least twice before I even begin to wonder if it might be something I am doing. You would think after almost 45 years of life, I would start taking it easy on myself. Nope, I take even harder I think or I'm just getting old enough that it hurts faster? I have learned not to do things wrong that I know are wrong because someway, somehow it is gonna kick me in the butt. Now when something comes around that I know would be easier to do outside the lines, I refuse to even contemplate it. OK, I think about it, but I always remember all the other times I allowed myself to talk my way to easy street and how long it took to get back to where I started. So I color inside the lines. Now, there are those few occasions when it doesn't really matter, then I'll do it my way and laugh about it as I look back at what I've accomplished. No one else will know, but I will know that I shaved my legs before washing my hair by damn! God what a radical I am.

Back to feeling awful. I am afraid of loosing new friends that I have made on here because there are times that my body won't allow me to get up for a week or more at a time. I can't afford a lap top right now. I still have to clean up the mess I made with the utility bills this winter by going on the winter program and not paying until March. March is here!!!!!! I could not believe the amount that both electric and gas were up to. The only reason we did it that way was do to Rick being laid off.  I'm wondering again, think I'm on meds????? I miss not being able to read each and every message I receive. Then there is the joy of the hugs, giving and receiving. It really means a lot to me. I have been shut in for almost five years now. I enjoy being able to read the discussion board and joining in on some, helping someone. Now that is the best, being able to help someone with the knowledge I have gained from going through all of this. It almost makes it worth while if I can share it with someone so they don't have to learn it the hard way. It is kinda like when I get stuck in bed, I don't get to be part of my new found family and I have to try and catch up when I can. Remember back in school when you would miss a day because you were really sick? The day you got back you felt lost, not in the loop of things. It would take almost two days to feel like you were caught up. I hate it when I miss recess!!!!!

I have decided to start taking care of me. It is time that I allow my children to be the adults they are. Patty is 25, Shawn and John will be 23 on 1 April, and Re is 19 going on 38. It's my turn now. I'll be here for suggestions and lovin on the grandchildren when I want to. I will wait for them to come to me for advice, not give it freely (kinda like butting in). I knew how to be a mommy, but I never thought about how to be a grama and part time Mom. There is a difference. Anyone who reads this with input, it would be greatly appreciated! Not only am I going to stop being mommy, I'm going to start being a woman again. This weight has caused me to stop taking care of myself the way I did when I was thin. I don't care what I wear, whether it matches or not. They are just jammies anyway. I don't get dressed unless I have a doctor appointment or someone is coming over that I don't see often, like my Dad. I am going to start doing more in my house instead of bitching that it is filthy. I hate things out of place. I was a clean freak before all this began and I had to hand the house cleaning over to hubby and kids. It wasn't bad when Patty was still home. She kept house the way I did. Poor Girl. The twin were horrible worse on Re. Once the boys left, chores were divided between Re and Dad. Nothing ever works out as planned. Now it is my home again. I can get it back into the way I would like it to be. It will just take a few months.......years? Okay, it's not that bad, but all that work. I look at it, turn around and go back into my room. That needs cleaned real good again too. Not that it is filthy, but  it could use a good wall scrub and floors done. The rugs need taken out and aired out. I think that the wood could use some old english too or a wax rub down. It has been a while. Any way it is time for me to find me and I can't do that laying in a lumpy queen bed all day and night. I want to work with dried flowers again, paint, crochet and do other crafts that I enjoy. I have all the stuff. I just need to find my craft table. Not hard it's nine feet long! Set it up the way I would like it. Oil the sewing machine. I need to look at everything as one step at a time. It just all seems so over whelming. Plus, it also seems like each time I get started and going good, bam! I have another flare up and have to start over. Ugh! Even typing it seems tiring!

Time to go and start dinner! Take care and I hope to be back tomorrow!