ricksdar's Journal

I found out that my daughter is working here in our little town of 1100. She still hasn't talked to me since the middle of Feb. and I still don't know why. We were so close during her years at home. I knew her going out on her own to college would be different, after all I have three more children. I just didn't know she would drop out without telling us, move in with her boss from Dairy Queen, I mean her best friend of three wks, no wait her boyfriend of 2 wks. He just happens to be the best friends brother and his mother use to work at DQ. She and her best friend worked at one and the boyfriend worked at the other. The girls got fired, she forgot to tell me that too. I was worried that there might be drugs involved, had his back ground check. Yep, juvenile and now adult record for pot and controlled substance. Boy that made me feel like grabbing her up and running home. I knew better, the more you say no the harder they say yes. The old rubber band theory. I have heard this happen to so many other, but I never thought it would happen to my family. That has been said so many times, but this time it is out of my mouth. So far as we can tell she is not on any drugs. I'm not sure if he cleaned up or not. I know the girl I raised would never tolerate it. I'm not sure where the little girl I raised is at. She told her cousin that she hasn't changed she has just grown up. Ok,sure, she is 19 and knows it all. I remember that age. I also remember that first love. I believed everything he told me. He was the only man that ever made me feel the way I did when I was in his arms. Why can't any one just be happy for me? Yeah, I remember that love. I think he has been married and divorced twice and still drives the same truck he did in school. But back then I knew I was right. I never stopped talking to my family though. I'm not sure how to handle her, not handle her. I have not had a heart ache like this since my Mom died when I was 15. I'm trying to understand but part of me wants someone to just fix this mess and bring her home so I can have a real hug from her again. I keep praying. We try to make sure she knows the door is open. My Mother told me that there would be days like this. I am soooo sorry for the way I treated Mom at times. My husband and I finally talked about all of it, instead of side stepping it. I love him so much and I know this is killing him too. It's his baby. He said he had to stay angry because he didn't think he could survive the pain. That I understand, but his anger was eating at him just as bad. It really helped just to talk about the pain, the not understanding, the feeling of abandonment. I actually feel better tonight about all of this mess than I have in weeks because I know we still have a united front. We have survived so much together. It took all this to make me realize that he is the most important thing in my life not the children.

It is not that i don't love each and everyone of them. But they are all grown now and forming families of there own. They have their own independent lives. Rick is my priority now. So part of my living life again is letting go of my own apron stings and taking Rick's hand. So many years of being mommy and daddy, we now get to go to Rick and Dar. That is something new to us. We were married when Re was 8, Shawn and John 11, Patty 14. We can finally have those times to ourselves we longed for so many years ago. It is hard to let go of one role and go to another. I will always be Mom and Grama but those are just a part of me, I need not be one or the other. I can be all of them and just be me. It may sound odd but this won't be easy for me. I always had to be there for them no matter what. I think at their current ages they can handle things themselves. I guess I was just afraid that I couldn't. Wow, I think I had a little break through there!LOL My counselor would be so proud of me. Now I just have to use my new found open door. I get to be a girl again!!!!!!!!Let's hope I remember how that part goes!LOL